Christmas Eve eve. 2010

WOO HOOOOOOOOO. Visit to the surgeon was everything I hoped for. He came into the room and sat down and said ' well it's good news' but then paused as if he was about to say 'and some bad news'. ( I didn't imagine this pause, as Mikey thought exactly the same thing at the same time) Fortunately there was no 'and some bad news' He said the op was a success and that the disease was gone from my breast completely....yayyyyyyyyy.

I must admit that I did cry. I had this urge to hug him but I am not sure of surgeon hugging protocol so I just thanked him with all my heart.

He had a look at my wound, well its not really a wound any more, just a scar. He thought it was fine but Lesley the breast nurse thought it was swollen and red. I think its fine to be honest and, having had vast experience in the infected boob department she trusted my judgement.

Lesley said she thought my radiotherapy will probably start in January as I am already in the system at Christies. She also said that with the radiotherapy, by right boob will shrink even more...bugger. Its a lready like a Water melon on one side and a canteloupe on the other ( a half eaten one at that!!). Still, I have no intention of whipping 'em out in public for the time being at least. They say you should maybe take a year to decide your next plan of action. They can reduce the other one or make a cosmetic hard shell to stop my bra sliding everywhere. I'll probably go for the reduction, It may help with my back problem :-). We'll see.

Next job is my radiotherapy tattoo. I am hoping for a Baloo the bear in a banana grass skirt or a microphone and some musical notes. Sadly I think it will be a dot. No harm in asking though!

I will keep my blog posted as things happen.

This is going to be a wonderful christmas. A few months ago, I wasn't sure how many more I would have...well, I still don't really, but you know what I mean.

Have a fabulous christmas and a healthy and happy new year.

My Mammogram is booked for next June! WHEN IS YOURS????????

KEEP CHECKING because if you find it early enough, before it takes a hold,you CAN beat this crappy disease.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2nd Op 6th December 2010

Well, my surgeon loves me so much that he brought my op forward by 9 days, just so he could spend it with me!

We did all the birthday stuff on December 5th, which was very nice and made me forget about the op a little bit. We had a lovely lunch with John and Susy and enjoyed it thoroughly.

The hospital had phoned to say I was on the afternoon list and didn´t need to be there before 10.00am. We braved the snow and got there on time, only to be left in a waiting room for over an hour while they got my bed ready. Not sure why this happens? Its not like I turned up on spec and asked if there was any chance they could fit me in!!

Anyhow, they eventually gave me a bed and a gown and some hideous stockings that stop blood clots ( they actually stop blood circulation!!) I was pretty much last on the list, so I sent Mikey off home to do his homework.

The anaesthetist came to see me at about 2.00pm to see if I had any concerns. I told him about my vein problem and he wasn't overly concerned. He said that if he couldn´t find a usable vein, then he would put me to sleep with a mask and then worry about veins after.

Anyway, they came for me at about 3.45. I went to the theatre reception and my surgeon popped in to see me. He reassured me that it was a fairly small procedure which would only take about 40 minutes or so. He went off to scrub up and I went off to the anaesthetic room. I told the anaesthetist he had one shot, and then he had to knock me out!! He got a vein somewhere midway up the back of my arm. The last thing I remember was telling him that although it probably meant nothing to him, I was very impressed with his vein finding skills.

I was awoken in the recovery room and given loads of morphine, which was very pleasant. They kept me there until about 5.30 and then sent me up to the ward. On my way out of the theatre, the little Polish woman who had taken care of me the first time and reminded me of my mum was just coming into work and smiled. I actually didn´t feel too bad until they asked me to climb onto my bed and I nearly puked everywhere. I slept for a while and woke up in time for Mikey visiting. He didn´t stay long as I doubt I was making any sense at all in my morphine haze.

At some point during the evening they brought in another patient who kept all of us awake all night. I don´t want to sound uncaring, but after my 2nd cup of tea at 3.30 in the morning, I wanted to punch her! Even though she was deaf, forgetful and black and blue from head to toe after a fall....I need my sleep!! After getting no sleep at all I was ready for a coffee and some hot toast for brekkie. As usual the doctors turn up exactly at the same time as the toast....bugger!!

The doc had a look at my wound. I made the mistake of looking down as she did, and I burst into tears. Oh marvelous, I now have another huge dent in the front of my breast too!!! The doc tried to make it better by reassuring me that it would be made right as soon as the disease was all gone and that Mr Gandhi had tried to pad out my abscess dent a bit. Actually, I now feel a bit stupid getting upset. After all, its more important to get rid of the diseased cells than having perfectly symmetrical boobs!

They said if I was feeling ok, then I could go home that day. I didn´t feel great to be honest but I seriously needed some sleep. The pharmacist was trying to send me home with a packet of paracetamol until I pointed out that they might not quite cut it!!!

Like last time, everybody from the surgeons to the tea lady was amazing and I can´t thank them enough. The recovery was much easier this time, and quicker. It still hurts a bit but has healed up fine.

I am at the hospital tomorrow for the results of the tests on the stuff they took away. Please please let it be good news!! Assuming it is, I should start my radiotherapy in February.

My white hair is still coming along nicely. The pains in my leg muscles are very very bad and I can´t do too much walking yet but it will get better. My nails are starting to come off the nail beds, which I thought would happen earlier, during chemo. Apart from that....all is well. Looking forward to a nice christmas with my wonderful family.

I shouldn´t even need to tell you any more but.......KEEP CHECKING!!!

The Last Chemo !!!!

Well,that is that. My last chemotherapy session. It went fine, like all the others really. The blood nurse couldn't get blood from my left arm, so she used the right one,likewise for my chemo cannula.

It was great picking up a prescription for only my injections, knowing it was the last time.

The pains started by Sunday as I expected. This time, everything seems harsher. The side effects are much worse and I am having more of them. I am convinced they give you an extra strong dose as a last boost. My mouth is full of little ulcers, I can't feel my fingers and toes and everywhere hurts. I can't taste food at all, everything tastes peppery. I refuse to get down about it though,because there is light at the end of the tunnel and if I am being honest, it really hasn't been as bad as I expected and it is saving my life!!

My appointment with Mr Gandhi, my surgeon, was short and sweet. He has scheduled my operation for December 15th. He said I may even be in and out in a day, as it is a simple op. Basically he will take away some more breast tissue where the margin showed up some pre cancerous cells. I won't need drains or anything, so I will be allowed home as soon as I recover from the anaesthetic, which knowing me will not be the same day! On the bright side, I should be well again for Christmas.

A week after my chemo,the pain is nearly gone apart from in my arms. I am a bit worried about he right arm, hope I'm not getting lymphodema cos its that stretchy kind of pain that I had for the first couple of months after my op but it's in both arms...odd. The tiredness is difficult. I can't walk too far,it hurts. However, my new years resolution is to get myself fit and well so that should be ok.

Doc says I can't have radiotherapy until Feb or March which is later than I thought, but it still means my treatment will be over in time for spring. My baby hair is coming along nicely...grey..but getting there. I am hoping my eyebrows follow soon!!

Went to an interesting meeting at Genesis on Friday. The future for breast cancer prevention is looking good. It will probably be many years before a DNA test can be done to check if someone will get breast cancer, but it will happen.

Will keep up the blog as and when I have news. Until next time.....KEEP CHECKING!!!

Chemo 5. 28th October 2010. Nearly there!!

Mikey has a few things to do before we head off to Wales, so he's going to drop me at Christie's then pick me up later. Typically, the one day when I would have been better with an early appointment, I get a later one. Went and did blood tests first, as usual. I asked the nurse if they would be checking my blood sugars, due to the risk of inducing type 2 diabetes. I have been really thirsty this past few weeks, so am a bit concerned. The nurse told me to go and ask my doctor to authorise another blood test just to be on the safe side, which he did. There was a delay of at least an hour in clinic, but when I explained that I needed to be in Wales before 5pm ( the camp offices closes), they saw me pretty much straight away...result! Went straight to the chemo ward, hoping the clinic back log would mean I got my chemo early. Bugger......a 2 hour delay!! Mikey rearranged things and went to pick up Dad, save him stressing! Went in the dining room for a spot of lunch. It really did end up being a spot too, on account of the fact that I left nearly all of it. Healthy 'creamed' mash doesn't really work.
Back to the ward for my drugs. Dave, the nurse was very nice and said he would chase up my bloods once the drugs were on. He returned with my results. 'Normal levels are between 5 and 7 " he said. Mine were 14.7!!! and he said I should go to my doc asap. Now, I'm not one to whinge and moan but come on. If i am being honest, I always knew i would get the family diabetes curse but I could really do without it right now!! Dave the nurse says it might go away again after the steroids, but it will come back. I am now looking up any side effects I haven't had with this new drug!!!!!
On the bright side, we made it to Wales safe and sound. Emz didn't like Bangor, so it looks like Leeds Uni. The weather was poor but enjoyed spending time with my family. Didn't win at bingo, so I am now officially turning into my mum!!!
By Saturday night, the pain had started. Didn't stop me and Emz going to the fancy dress party!!
Will probably be in bed feeling proper sorry for myself for a couple of days now. Until next time.....KEEP CHECKING!!!

22nd October 2010. Nearly Halloween

I have bought a big tin of choccies for the nurses at the Nightingale. Everyone has been so brilliant there. I am hoping that today will be my penultimate abscess packing. Well. I say packing, the last one was just a case of sticking some gooey stuff over the hole. The nurses have always maintained I would get my Halloween soak in the bath, so its fingers crossed.....or NO CHOCCIES!!
Lauren, the nurse was just as pleased as I was that the hole was indeed, healed up. It still looks hideous to be honest but maybe it will get better with time. Win, win...I get my bath and the nurses get their chocs.
Actually having my bath felt really strange. I'm not sure why, but I was really nervous about lying down in the bath. Managed it though and it was aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. By the time I got out, I had wrinkles on my wrinkles! Now.....wrinkles. Lordy knows what is in these chemo drugs but they don't half mess up your skin, and your nails. I have the strange nail density thing as well. Half way up my nails, they thicken and ridge, which hurts when you try and use your nails for anything.
I am officially now looking bloody old. On the up side, it feels like I am growing some hair back. Its kind of soft downy baby hair. Well it would be an up side if it wasn't grey!! Speaking of hair....Emz has once again tried to bleach her hair and yes....once again it is ginger. She is insisting on continuing with the bleach until it either goes blonde or falls out.
We took her to have a look at Leeds Uni. She was quite taken with it and I think it will be her first choice. It was bloody freezing though! Taking her to Bangor Uni this week, so we are going to have a few days in Wales and take Pa with us....assuming he is up to it. He ended up in hospital again and was sent home without any treatment. We'll see.
Chemo 5 of 6 on Thursday!!! Woo hoo.
Keep checking !!!

16th October 2010

This has been one heck of a week. I have spent it in bed. The pain took a week to subside, I have an abscess in my groin ( fortunately nowhere near as bad as the boob one!). Its a bit of a catch 22 really. I certainly needed the painkillers, but they make you itch terribly and bung you up too!!! Actually, this would be a great Harry Hill moment.......I like not having the pain but I don't like the itching.....Which is worse?? There's only one way to find out!!!!! Anyway, it was all better by Thursday night, Thank goodness

Chemo 4 9th October

After visiting Manchester Met Open day in the morning, we decided to go and see how Dad was getting on. As usual, we called to see Ange and Gabs first and to leave the car at their house. Emz raided their fridge ( its always the first thing she asks....'what's in the fridge?' We also got to see one of the puppies. By the time we got to Dad's my chest pains had started, and Dad was obviously taking his doctor's advice and eating his post heart-attack fish and chips. We left at about 7:30 and both Emz and I were in bed for 10 o-clock. I had taken some precautionary cocodamol to help me sleep.

By Sunday morning, the flu like symptoms had kicked in. Self-induced a cocodamol coma, hoping it would help, it certainly made me sleep but the pain was still there when I woke up. When I woke up, it felt like someone had a voodoo doll and was sticking pins in it at random points. My thumbs, my ankles, my earlobes, even my bloody eyeballs hurt. Hoped it would be gone by Monday, but no such luck. Pain was still there, just as bad. So I got to spend another day in bed.

By Tuesday I was convinced it would be better......Wrong. On top of the flu pains, I now have to injection pains in my chest and in my back (the A&E pains). I suspected from all the warnings that it was going to be tough, but I didn't imagine it would be this painful. Which from a Salford girl, means its "well painful". In fact, I think maybe childbirth would have been this painful, had I not have had every drug known to mankind. (That's another story)!

Will keep the blog updated, hopefully will be feeling better tomorrow.

Meanwhile, KEEP CHECKING!!!

Chemo Day 4. 7th Oct 2010

Been given steroids to take the day before chemo 4. The instructions tell you to take 4 tablets twice daily, starting the day before chemotherapy, with food, and not after 6pm. Which I did. I went to bed at about 11.30 as it was an 8.00am bloods at hospital. I gave up trying to sleep at 3.30am and went to try to sleep on the couch.....no...no sleep there either. I figured I was a bit concerned about the change of drugs and the side effects. The new drug sounds like an Italian midfielder...Taxotere. In fact I´m sure Roberto Mancini has tried to sign him!! Sounds OK til you start to read the possible side effects! I shall quote a couple:

Firstly it can have serious or life threatening effects! Or maybe bringing on the onset of type 2 diabetes ( not very good considering my family history) A definite but small chance of causing another cancer...skin rash...ulcers...flu like pains ..etc etc. No wonder I didn.t bloody sleep I didn´t think I was going to last the day out!!! Actually, my lack of sleep was nothing to do with any of these. It was because I should have taken all my steroids before lunchtime as they stop you sleeping. Lesson one taken on board!!

Blood tests were swift and painless...result! Saw Dr Howell ( who is very nice, like all the rest) and he made my day by saying that they could use my shonky, unusable arm for my cannula due to the fact that I no longer have usable veins in my left arm. I like him!!!

Had a bit of brekkie in the Wilmslow dining room, then up to the chemo ward. Had an hour delay which gave me a chance to catch up with Wendy my chemo buddy. She is doing fine too and not struggling too much, which is great!. This new drug is just given straight from an IV bag as it isn't as toxic as the first 3. The nurse got a heat pack for my arm, which didn't do much apart from burn me and the needle went in first time...pain free...RESULT!!! It takes an hour for the drug to go in, and 5 minutes extra for a quick saline flush. I even got a pork sandwich and a cup of tea. I´ll go there again!. Mikey went and picked up my needles for me, so I shared my sandwich with him, besides I have to be nice to him so he doesn't hurt when he gives me my jabs.

All in all, it was a positive day. 4 down, 2 to go. I know I still have a long way to go but its all heading in the right direction.

Fell asleep on the couch when I got home and caught up on some much needed kip.

Even better news today...abscess almost healed so I don´t have to go back for one week and it looks like my Halloween soak in the bath is definitely on the cards...woo hoo!!!

Keep in the pink and more importantly.......KEEP CHECKING !!!!!!

1st October. Much needed break.

With Dad on the mend and seeming ok, we decided not to cancel our weekend in Blackpool which had been organised by my very thoughtful Auntie Ann and Uncle Baz. We went to visit Dad on the way and then headed off to the camp site. Arrived just in time for a fish 'n' chip supper, which I do believe is obligatory on your first night in a caravan. We later had a stroll down to the club to watch the entertainment. The sign said it was a band called 'Grovestar´, which as I suspected was a misprint and they were actually called 'Groovestar'. They were OK but got a bit samey and we weren't sure if anyone other than the drummer and the singer were playing live, which was disappointing. Ann and I exercised great restraint and did all the retro dances ( i.e Agadoo, Superman and more amazingly the cha cha slide!!) whilst still sat down. Baz and Mikey were more like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets , totally bemused by it all. By 11.00pm we were ready for some Karaoke, so we nipped off to the cafe bar to sing a bit. 3 hours, many songs and copious amounts of lager later, we headed back to the van.

Saturday, we did a tour of the Fylde coast, basically because we didn´t fancy staying in Blackpool all day waiting for the illuminations to be switched on. We went back and had some tea in Tommy Ducks ( though there was not a pair of drawers in sight!!! You´ll only get that if you are a Manc!!!) and then drove through the lights. Sadly we were all shattered when we got back to the van so we had a cosy night in.

Sunday morning Ann and I ( on a very tight budget) went to play on the penny shove machines in the arcade. I was shocked to find that they had doubled in price since I last went in an arcade....20 years ago!!!! Needless to say we left 3 quid lighter but enjoyed it.

We said our farewells and headed off to see Dad at the hospital, then off to Ange´s to watch the Southport Firework finals. Ange was making ´tater ash´for tea which we were looking forward to...until she mentioned the butter beans!! Butter beans???? in ´tater ash¨? whats that all about?? We talked her out of it and as a result, had a splendid tea, just in time for the fireworks.

Fireworks were great and it was quite mild too, much warmer than last year.

Like I said a much needed break with my lovely folks...thank you xx

29th September 2010. Dad

Today was a day I have dreaded for a long time. The phone rang at about 6.00pm. It was Ash, my younger sister. Her opening line was " Ok, don´t panic..but...Dads been taken into hospital with chest pains" The last time I heard that opener was 7 years ago, in Spain at 10.00am. That time it was my Dad on the phone telling me that my mum had been rushed into hospital with a heart attack, but not to panic. A day later, I no longer had a mum!! That's such a dumb thing to say, the first thing you do is panic! Anyway, we were mid way through dinner, so we finished and headed off to Southport. Picked up my sisters en route to the hospital. To be honest Dad looked fine, he just kept getting a little weepy because he was worried and like everyone over the age of 70ish , despite pretending to be ok with the idea of dying, when push comes to shove we are all scared of leaving.They hadn't found out what was wrong. There was talk of blood clots and heart attacks but the tests hadn't shown anything conclusive so they started him on injections in case it was a blood clot.

After 6 days and numerous tests, they decided he has had a mild heart attack and have finally sent him home with lots of tablets. I don't think it was caused by anything physical, he just stresses out over really insignificant things. He is aware of this and says he will try and chill out a bit. So with meds and lots of TLC from us all, he will be back to full strength again soon. Love you Dad x

Back to A&E again! 24th September 2010

Friday is one of my normal abscess packing days.So when I woke in the early hours of Friday morning with some very scary chest and back pain, I thought I'd just hang on and tell the nurses at The Nightingale about them and take their advice. They are,essentially my day 16 pains but 10 times worse. I have the abscess packed in between the pain spasms and Evelyn, my breast care nurse, is sent for. She insists I phone The Christie hotline ( who will tell me to go straight to A&E). I explain the problem, and they tell me to go to A&E. Evelyn tries to persuade me to go in a wheelchair...I politely explain that I am not an invalid and the fresh air will do me good. At the A&E, I am seen straight away and sent to resus. Not because I need resuscitating, but because they are the only beds. They give me a gown and do an ECG. ( which we know will be fine) The nurse comes back 10 minutes later and says its fine. They won't let me go home until I have seen a doctor though. (I am desperately trying to get home before they start mentioning needles) I also need a chest and back Xray. Em is desperately wanting it to turn into an episode of Casualty with people rushing around asking for a crash trolley and shouting "Clear". It doesn't, fortunately for everyone being treated! After an eternity, Emz starts to "starve" and has a need for McDonalds. From my last visit to Wythenshawe A&E, i know they allow food to be brought in, so I pack Emz and Mikey off to McD's with an order for a double cheeseburger for me. The doctor decides to start me off on some painkillers to see how we go. If they don't kick in soon, they will give me something stronger. The x ray is fine and we are still not talking about needles, but I just know we will be soon!!.

Yes, I was right!! The doctor had spoken to Christies and they said my blood count had to be checked....damn!! First shot......no, no blood from that one. Second shot , right next to my knuckle....success!! Except now, it won't stop bleeding. ( see pic of purple fingers!!) so she has to tie a tourniquet to stop it. Talk about a famine or a feast!

Mikey and Emz returned, fed and watered but it looks like I am there for at least another 2 hours, until bloods are back. Sent them home for a while. No point in all 3 of us sitting around bored. The painkillers are helping a bit. They still won't let me go home though. They do need my cubicle though, so I am moved to CDU to wait for results. About 3 hours later, results arrive. My blood count is great. Apparently, Christie's explained to the doctor that the pain was caused by the daily injections. They are given to boost the immune system, which means that the bone marrow is working flat out and becomes inflamed and swells, causing pain in the bones ( usually the sternum and spine and femur). They really should tell you this kind of stuff in advance. Next month I will just dose up with co codamol and curl up somewhere til it passes.

By Saturday, the pain had almost completely gone, so we went up to Southport to watch footie with my dad. ( Well, Mikey did. I went to see Tiny's pups. See pic. Sooo cute)

Sunday was an open day at Wythenshawe Hospital, so Em and I went to help on the Genesis stall. It's strange. The last time I had my Genesis shirt on was the day I found my lump...June 6th. So much has happened since then and there is still so much more to come, but in a few months time, I will be able to start making plans again and looking to the future instead of not being able to see beyond my next chemo day.I am hoping next chemo will be better. This one has been a toughie. I feel sick pretty much most of the time and the painful bits seem to have amplified many fold and I am running out of usable veins!!

Still, off for a nice couple of days away next weekend with family. Karaoke, bingo, beer and Blackpool Illuminations...come on...it doesn't get much better than that!!

Til next time..........KEEP CHECKING!!!! XX

Chemo Day 3. 16th Sept 2010

Not been blogging for a while. Basically because there hasn't been much to report on. The abscess is still being packed twice a week and is down to 1cm deep. The nurse reckons about 2 or 3 more weeks of bi-weekly packing should do it. Should be nicely healed just in time for them to cut it open again..hhmmm. Oh, had a bit of a worry last week. I found another lump, same breast. Didn't want to make a song and dance about it ( think I'm putting my folks through enough stress at the mo, without any more) the hospital did a scan, just to be on the safe side. I must admit, I wasn't too worried about it. The chemo is supposed to kill any rogue cells off and certainly shouldn't allow anything to grow!! The nurse was just worried it may be a new abscess. Anyway, scan showed some fluid build up but nothing needing to be drained and no solid mass at all...so that was good. I haven't felt sick at all and my hair has fallen out a bit more. Actually, on that subject.....as far as I am concerned,( apart from the obvious, that is, blitzing my whole body to kill off any cells that may have wandered and therefore making me better) there were only 2 up sides to this chemo. Firstly, that I wouldn't have to shave my legs for 5 months. WRONG!! My legs still need to be shaved. Secondly, that my monthlies would stop for the duration of the treatment and most likely never return.( A woman of my age really doesn't need them anyway!)

GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!! Damn my super immune system! Oh well, as long as priority number one is being taken care of.....

I didn't sleep last night, despite having a lovely comfy new memory foam mattress and pillows. I hate to think it, but I must have been getting stressed about today. Its only the vein thing. The chemo itself is fine...well apart from the prickly bum, dizziness and water up the nose feeling! No, honest, its really ok.

They found a vein straight away to take blood from. I knew we had peaked at that point. 2 good veins in one day...impossible. Got called in for chemo 10 minutes early..now I know its all about to go pear shaped!

My hand has been very sore with the hardening of my veins, so I was expecting it to hurt but bloody hell!!!. The nurse had a scout round my arm and hand and stumbled upon a possibly usable vein, right under my wrist bone. I did politely suggest she look for another one but to be honest,when they find a good vein its usually best to ignore my whimpering and just go for it. In all fairness, it went in first time, so that was good at least! 6 syringes later and its done. I kind of wish she had cut my hand off just above the wrist though. Not really. Sure it will start to get better soon. Mikey went and collected my injections and stuff from the pharmacy ( I must admit, he makes a very good nurse. He does my daily injections and doesn't hurt at all. That is possibly more to do with the excessive amounts of flesh around my belly than his gentle administration) and we went shopping. We have done lots of shopping in the last couple of days. This has just been to get out of the house while the central heating men work their magic. They weren't quite as popular with the woman downstairs, who complained to one of the workman that she was almost suicidal with all the drilling and hammering at 1.30pm. I am waiting for her to say something to me, so I can whip my hat off, expose my Festeresque head and put a little perspective into her life!!! Rant over.

Oh yes..I got the chest pains on day 16 again. Must tell The Christie to put it on their list of side effects.

Off to the Southport Airshow on Sunday. Monday its back to my decorating. Finished the lounge now. Oh go on then.....I'll finish the kitchen tomorrow after Mikey has some teeth out and we get back from the hospital. I think I may have either been Atilla the Hun or someone else suitably wicked in a past life! You know what though...I have a wonderful family and I love every minute I spend with them. Regardless of what we are doing.

One more thing.....KEEP CHECKING!!!!!!!! xxx

Chemo Day 2. 28th August 2010

Early start today. Had to be at Christies for blood tests at 8.00am. Mikey dropped me on his way to work, which saved me the 50 minute bus ride. Didn't get my bloods done til 8.20 which then slows down the whole process a bit. However, the nurse was very good and managed to get the blood with just one stab...result!! My veins must be having a good day. Auntie Ann arrived just in time for coffee before seeing the Doc. Saw the Doc just after 9.00am. I gave her an update on the hospital tour and the abscess stuff. She asked if I was happy to carry on having the chemo, as it would slow down the healing process significantly. It never ceases to amaze me that they have to ask!! Its such a no brainer! ' Which would you prefer Mrs Henson? The possibility of rogue cancer cells implanting themselves in your organs? or maybe having a few more weeks of having the hole packed? Hmmmmm...let me think!! What's an extra month or so of not showering? Ah, better check with my nearest and dearest on that one! Once the Doc had checked that there was no redness or swelling, I was given the go ahead for the drugs. We went up to the chemo ward and booked in. They said there wasn't much of a delay but they would phone me when it was my turn, so we went and had more coffee...oh and a scone. ( Which I am allowed because I have lost 4kg!! RESULT! I am going to stick to this Ikea Cappuccino biscuit diet.) The ward didn't ring by the time we had finished, so we went back anyway. We had only just sat down when they called me. This is the bit I dread most. I now have a loathing of cannulas. My veins have had a bit of a bashing this week and I knew it would be a struggle....oh and how. After discussing the possibility of having a permanent 'line' put in, (which I really don't want to do) a couple of nearly getting the vein, a heat pack and my hand turning black due to my circulation being cut off, she opted for my forearm. Success!! A painful success but effective. We go through the which syringe does what. First one steroids. 2 and 3 are the ones that make your hair fall out and pee orange and give you the prickly bum sensation. 4 is the metallic taste one ( I have mints ready!) 5 is the one that makes you dizzy ( some might say I have already mastered that without the help of drugs) and gives you the awful ' water up your nose' sensation. Lastly is the anti sickness one. I have to be honest, none of the effects were as pronounced as the first time, but maybe thats because I knew what to expect. Picked up my prescription and headed home. I do feel a bit sick so I may have to do some more drugs later...if I can stay awake long enough!

Wot? No shower? 23rd August 2010

Back to the dressings clinic today. Apparently, abscess is looking ok. Took 15cm of stuff to pack it. (Don't know if thats good or bad to be honest) but it only took a couple of minutes to sort. The other hole that opened up on Friday has scabbed over and seems ok too.

I asked when I could have a bath, because I'll be honest, it has been a few days since I last showered because I was told not to get the dressings wet. "ooh, not yet" said Lauren, the breast nurse. ·"There is still quite a hole there and it needs to heal" She then went on to tell me about another patient with a similar problem to mine, but which had been going on for some months with no sign of healing. It turns out that the woman had been bathing and showering almost daily.

" So when can I have a bath or a shower then? I asked. " In a couple of months" was the reply!!!!!

It appears I am allowed to wash in a very shallow bath without wetting the dressing...woo hoo....great!! At least the smell will keep all the people with germs and colds away from me!

Guess what I'm going to be doing in the last week of October! Bring on the bath smellies, candles and wine!

My hair is like velcro today. Great for Em to file her nails on! We just need some of those velcro balls, and we can play a new game....see how many balls I can catch with my head.

Nah, only kidding. Mikey is shaving it tonight for me. I didn't accept Emz offer as I have seen the state of her legs after she has shaved them!! The bathroom would look like a slaughter house.

Bald I can handle. Looking like an extra from The Mummy? No ta.

If its not one thing.....Sat 21st August 2010

Its started! Day 16 since my first chemo and my hair has started to fall out. There isn't much of it anyway but it is falling out. Well, more thinning to be honest. I think it would be much worse if my hair was still long.

How do I feel about it? Still not sure. Will let you know in a couple of days !

The Abscess Pt 2 19th August 2010

Despite assurances that saline would be the only leaky stuff I would have, the gunk was back! Not as much to be honest but enough to worry again. Miss Cox has had another clean up and decided that a scan is probably the best option. She opened up the hole some more ( yes, fortunately it is still numb) and spotted something inside, which she pulled out with some forceps. " I think we have found the root of the problem" she said. " If you're not squeamish, have a look" She showed me a lump of yellowy, bloody stuff on a tissue. " It's a chunk of fat" she said. Now, I have had and still have issues with fat in my body, but these are generally located in my bum and belly, and don't usually end up with abscesses! After politely requesting that she uses her forceps to do a bit of fat removal from my Spanish Apron ( she sadly refused) I was cleaned up again and sent for a scan.

The scan only took a couple of minutes and appeared completely clear. No pockets of fluid or lumps of things that shouldn't be there. Just a hole and a channel leading up to the surface of the skin. My wound was re dressed and I was packed off home for another 24 hours.

Friday morning's appointment went well. Wound looks fine. Laura, a breast care nurse assures me that even if my dent doesn't go away on its own, the surgeon will repair it! And just to put the top hat on the morning...it is still only 10.15am and there is a MacDonalds not 5 minutes away. WooHoo MacDonalds breakfast!!!! Hmm, yes. I forgot to eat before I left home again!!

Friday night, another hole has appeared on one of my original op wounds. It leaks a little but nothing major. Will leave it til Monday and they can look at it in clinic.

17th August 2010. Back to Wythenshawe.

I wasn't really sure who to phone and ask about the problem. I tried the breast nurse number first and it was an answer phone message saying it could take up to 24 hours to ring me back! That wasn't an option as I was leaking out again. I rang ward F16, where I had my original surgery and they said to go and see them and they would make sure a doctor was around to see me.

We arrived and were directed to the day room and asked to wait there. A young doctor arrived about 10 minutes later and asked a few questions before going off to read my notes. Another nurse came and checked my blood pressure and temperature...both ok. The doctor came back just as Em rang, so Mikey talked to Em while I went to have a check up from the doctor. It was going ok until she tried to take the dressing off and this bloody stuff started pouring everywhere. She grabbed handfuls of paper towels and waterproof stuff and told me told press down and hold it on my breast while she made a quick call to her superiors. She came back after about 10 minutes to tell me she had spoken to a trainee surgeon who was coming to take a look. The other bad news was that she needed some blood. ( I feel like I am now living on the set of a vampire movie. Everytime I leave the house..somebody wants my blood!!!

Anyway, this trainee surgeon arrives and we go through the same thing again. Remove dressing..bloody stuff all over..mop it up..pass me on to someone else. This time, I was being passed to the Nightingale Centre and the trainee surgeon says " I am just going to make a phone call". As usual, when I am in a hospital, I am starving! ( I really do need to eat before I go in future) Worryingly, the Doc has told me I cannot eat or drink as they may need to take me into theatre! In the time I am left waiting to know what is going on, Mike has been and had breakfast, a read of his paper and a fag! After what seemed like an eternity, the doc returned and said they definitely need blood, despite my assurances that my white blood count was very good yesterday and I don't have any veins left that aren't bruised and full of holes from the weekend. No, they need the blood!. A very nice young man came and tried several options, including using children's tiny needles. I think he was getting a bit stressed so I suggested that the nurses at the Nightingale have a go. The nurse who had come in to put temporary dressings on me offered to have a go. Success!! She managed it first time. Must be a girl thing!

With enough padding to stop me leaking everywhere, we head off to the Nightingale centre. We were there only for a few minutes when the tiredness thing kicked in. Its awful. One minute you are ok and the next minute its like your body says. ´That's enough. Sleep time´ I was just working out how many chairs I would need to put together to lie down on when they called my name.

We went through to a consultation room and were shortly followed by Miss Cox and Lisa, a breast care nurse. I warned them about the leaking before I undressed, so they were well prepared with aprons and waterproof everything. After about 2 seconds, I was informed that it was an abscess, or had been an abscess with a very nasty infection. Once my wounds had healed up, the infection had made a new channel to escape from, hence the new holes. Fortunately, my right breast is still quite numb, so I didn't feel the blade making the hole bigger ( to make it easier to clean out), or the medical probe having a root around inside. After about 15 minutes of probing and cleaning I am informed that all should now be well. If there is any fluid leakage, apparently it will just be the saline solution used for cleaning. Great! At least I know what it was now, and better still, the dent that has been there for weeks now, was caused by the abscess and not by a botched up surgical procedure. Miss Cox says that the dent should fill out again now...hopefully. She says a close eye will need to be kept on my new wound and that I should come back tomorrow for clean dressings.

The Best Laid plans pt2 15th August 2010

Had my first time of being sick today. I don't think it was a chemo thing though. It was more than likely to do with my infection. I have taken my temperature a couple of times now, and it never goes above 36.6 ish. Made Mikey a sausage muffin and then we packed up and headed off to Dad's. Needed to call in at Ange's to print off the booking confirmation for our jollies!. It was one of those rare occasions when we get to see Gabs ( Gabs doesn't normally do daytimes!) We now know it was because she wanted to see 'The Wig'. Both Ange and Gabs tried on the 'Squirrel'. Ange looks quite good in it and should grow her hair like that, and Gabs......well you can see for yourselves on the pic. I am saying nothing!!

We decide to catch up later for the quiz in The Phoenix.

We took our stuff up to Dad's and Ash tried on the 'squirrel'. Ash really suits it too and wants to borrow it to go to the pub in.

The quiz was ok, if a bit hectic and we won which is always good. ( 37 quid in vouchers to spend in the pub! Not bad). Dad must have had one too many voddys because I came back from the loo to discover that there was now a picture of him wearing the 'squirrel' ( see photos. Sorry Pa)

Very looking forward to our holiday!! Plan to get up earlyish and go and have a MacD's breekie with Ash before we head off.

Had a real problem sleeping again. Dad's sofa bed isn't the most comfy in the world but I will sleep on the way to Scotland.

Got up at 6.50am. Felt a bit dizzy and sick, so lay back down again. Got to 6.45am and I figured it was just easier to get up and make a brew than lie there trying to sleep. Stood up and noticed a damp patch on my pyjama top...oh bloody hell..not the leaking again!! When suddenly, all this fluid started pouring from the side of my breast. I am panicking now for 2 reasons....firstly, because this is not a constant trickle of fluid...this is someone turning a tap on! And secondly, where the hell is it coming from? I don't have any wounds in the side of my breast..healed or otherwise!! Whilst grabbing handfulls of tissues and shoving them all over my chest to stop this stuff pouring on the carpet, I am trying to wake Mikey up. "Mikey! What's happening?" " Mikey. Where is this stuff coming from?" I was so frightened, there was so much stuff and blood. Not lots of blood, but I had never had this stuff before. Mikey jumped up and had a look. It WAS coming from the side, but it couldn't!! What the hell was happening?

" Right" says Mikey, " I'll go and get the car and we'll go straight to the hospital" I got dressed while he went for the car. I upgraded to kitchen roll cos the tissues just weren't doing enough soaking up.

They were great at A&E and saw me pretty much straight away. A nurse came and did all the obs stuff and said a doc would be in shortly. Dr Gareth ( who I think may have been a younger cousin of the paramedics 2 days ago !!!) came and checked me over. He said that yes, there was a roaring infection going on and that it would need to be treated with IV antibiotics ( 4 times the strength of the tablets!) and that I would be admitted into the hospital for at least 24 hours to get the infection under control. Woo Hoo.....more needles!!!!!!!!! Great. I don't have anywhere left on my arm or hand that isn't already black and blue from Fridays jabs!! It doesn't stop them though and within half an hour I have a new cannula and had 2 lots of blood taken. I am getting sooooo fed up of this needle thing. I really am starting to resemble a pin cushion.

The young Dr Gareth has asked one of the surgeons to come down and have a look at me before they take me up to the ward. I have sent Mikey home to dad's to get himself some coffee and a bite to eat.

An hour later, the surgeon arrives. He isn't a breast surgeon but he says he has made an appointment at the breast care clinic in Ormskirk at 2.30pm. He says that I will not be admitted because the IV drugs alone won't help, that I need a scan and possibly some surgery.......Bloody hell., he's only been in the room for 2 minutes. He says " any questions?" To be honest, I had about 300 but I was a bit shell shocked. He left to get me a referral letter just before Mikey came in with Dad, Ange and Ash. Aww it was quite a family gathering. Gabs had sent me some puzzler books ( there were a few left that she hadn't done!!!) bless!!

I was explaining what the surgeon had just said to my coach load of visitors, when the nurse came back in. I told her what he had said and she said" No, you must have misunderstood. I'll go and check whats happening" I was right. She came back in to take off my drip and remove the cannula. I get dressed and try to look on the positive side.....If the specialist says that all the fluid is out and the infection can be controlled by tablets.....and I can get by for a few days...then....maybe we could still go to Scotland tomorrow. ( Mikey had phoned them earlier and said we would be a day late). Hey. This might not turn out too bad after all!!

Heading back into Southport in the car, we are all starving ( except Mikey who has had toast) and we have about 15 minutes to get to Weatherspoons before they stop serving breakfast. We pull up opposite at 5 minutes to and just make it!! Yummy. Just need a quick Primark trip for new spare jammies and then we get to continue Mike and Roz's tour of hospitals in the north west. I am seriously considering writing guide books for the NHS.

The breast nurse said there are 2 holes now, in the side of my breast, just kind of ducts that have opened up because all the fluid and stuff needs to find a way out! I really don't like the sound of that!!

Anyway to cut a long story short the specialist says it would be a very bad idea to go to Scotland and that I need to see my surgeon asap to find out what on earth is going on in there. If I am being honest, I am very worried that if this keeps happening, especially as my chemo progresses and I find it harder to fight infection that someone, somewhere along the line is going to recommend that I have the breast removed and I really really don't want that to happen!

So that was that. Holiday cancelled. I feel really guilty ( Yes, I know its not my fault!) We were all looking forward to it so much, especially Dad. Sometimes, just sometimes. It would be nice to take one step forward and stay there!

The Best Laid Plans....13th August 2010

After much deliberation...should we? shouldn't we? Where shall we go ? etc etc. I finally bit the bullet and booked a few days away in Scotland next week for Me. Mikey and Dad. Didn't cost the earth, but we are sooo looking forward it. Mon to Friday in a caravan in Ayr. Not The Ritz but we all really need a break!

Whilst booking the break and pottering round t'internet, I am trying to ignore the pains in my chest, which I woke up with this morning, and which are getting steadily worse by the hour. By 4.00pm, I needed to lie down. Actually, what I NEEDED to do was phone The Christie hotline and ask their advice about the pains but I didn't want to do that because I knew deep down what they were going to say!! I hung on until Mikey got in from work and then I really really didn't want to phone the hospital because he was so relieved to be home after a crappy day and just wanted to settle down for the evening. However, he insisted I phone the hotline. Their advice was as I suspected...dial 999 and get yourself into a hospital...bugger!!

Mikey phoned an ambulance and they came pretty much straight away. They needed to do some preliminary checks in the ambulance before we set off. Heart trace and blood pressure and stuff. It all seemed ok, so we set off for the hospital. Mike had gone ahead in the car to meet us there. The 2 paramedics ( who incidentally had the combined ages of 26!!!!) were lovely, except I couldn't help but think it was well past their bed time!

Anyhow, they got me there in one piece and we bypassed the triage system. They wheeled me into a room at the back of A&E. They did tests for everything, heart attack, blood clots, blood counts, chest x ray, the works...all clear...however, I noticed that my breast was getting very swollen and red again. The nurse agreed that it looked like another infection....CRAP!!

They said they would be keeping me in over night for observation, only because I am on chemo though. They said they might put me on IV antibiotics, so I would need a cannula and blood tests. MORE BLOODY NEEDLES!! I hate needles! I never used to mind them really but it seems like every day I am having more needles. Its not like its easy, getting needles into my veins. However I perked up at the mention of morphine being injected into my cannula. Morphine is great! I don't find it really takes away the pain....you just don't care about it! I took one jab full and saved one for later. Mikey took the opportunity of me being partially not all there for half an hour, to go and get me some jammies and my toothbrush and bits. He was back in no time at all, but made the fatal mistake of mentioning he had made himself a quick pie! How could he?? Here was I, morphed up in an A&E at 10.pm...starving!!!! There was only one thing for it....MacDonalds! He squared it with the nurse and once again went off hunter gathering for his woman in her hour of need. A quarter pounder, fries and a latte later, with Mikey packed off home to get some well deserved kip, they sent me up to a ward..

It was great. Had a private room with an en suite, offers of food and drink, I've been in worse hotels!

They put a sign on the door saying 'reverse barrier nursing'. The doc explained ( through his mask and gloves and pinny) that it was about not passing on infections to me.

All my test results were ok, even my white cell count was only on the low side, which apparently is quite good. He said oral antibiotics would be fine and I could go home tomorrow lunch time...yess.

After 8 hours of trying to go to sleep, I finally gave up trying and asked for some towels so I could have a shower to relieve the boredom. So, after a couple more blood tests, a quick once over and a bag full of pills, I am discharged! Excellent.

Shave Day. Part 1. Sun 8th August 2010

Well, to be honest, the first few days after Chemo cycle 1 have been ok. The tablets have stopped the sickness getting a grip. I didn't expect the pains in my upper torso to be quite so bad. In fact, I thought I may have been starting with flu or something until Wendy told me she had the same thing and that it was just one of the symptoms.

We all went off to do a shop this morning, while it was quiet in Tesco, less chance of picking something up. ( especially a Tesco breakfast as it turned out. They stop serving after 11.0am.....gutted. A tuna toastie just doesn't do it on a Sunday morning!)

Anyway, after putting off the shave for most of the day, it got to about 4.00pm and I couldn't put it off much longer.. We don't actually own a pair of hairdressing scissors or in fact any sharp pair of scissors (apart from some nail scissors and it would have taken days with those). Em opted for the first pair she found. I think she would have been better with the pink paper scissors I bought her when she was 3! I'm not sure who was more nervous...Me, Mike or Em! Probably Em, I think. I was far too distraught to be nervous. I really thought I would be ok. I thought I had convinced myself that it was empowering, choosing to cut it off and not find clumps on my pillow every morning. I was wrong. It wasn't empowering because it still wasn't my choice. I didn't want to do it...I sooo didn't want to do it. For 5 or so years, I have grown my hair ( granted, not always out of choice but sometimes lack of hairdressing funds) Oh well. I convince myself that it will all be gone in a week anyway, so it might as well be today. I can't take it all off today though...I have to adjust. We agree on a No 7 on the clippers for today. No 3 Wednesday and no blade on Friday.

Its too long to clip straight off, so Emz chops it first....and I cry, then cry some more.this is far worse than I thought it would be. Emz adopts a nervous giggle and then tries to convince me that its ok. Mikey cuddles me and tells me he loves me and it feels better somehow. After an hour or so, its done, well at least today's bit is. Strange thing is, I keep going to take the clip out of my hair because it feels like it is tied back.

At least it will be easier to try on my wig tomorrow!

1st Chemo Day 05/08/2010

Had to go back to Wythenshawe hospital on Monday because I started to leak again! I 'm not sure if it was due to the amount of lager I imbibed on Saturday at Baz's Do which I was subconsciously tried to keep hold of stored in my right boob,or the fact that me and 'R' Ash never stopped dancing all night and there was just too much jigging around! Anyhow, whichever, it's fine. Never being the sharpest knife in the drawer, my body is struggling to work out other ways of dispersing fluids. It will catch on eventually...I hope.

Ok. Chemo day 1. Things got off to a bad start because I had somehow managed to assume the bus was 10 minutes later than it actually was! My knight in shining armour turned his car around ( he was on his way to work) and came and picked us up and took us to the hospital. ( Love you Mikey!!) This meant we were now actually 45 minutes early. Time for a coffee then. We managed to squeeze in a bacon butty as well. Tip for anyone having to go there...use the dining room. Its great and very cheap! Emz was struggling with being awake and out at that time of the morning but the sausage on toast helped her come round a bit.

At 9.00am I went and had blood samples taken, just to make sure there were no changes and my drugs would still be the same. Em came in with me because.....well I think she just likes seeing people stick needles in me. Its a daughter thing!

Bloods done, next thing was an appointment with the doc at 10.00am. The doc was lovely and went through all the side effects with me ( again) and got me to sign a consent form. Auntie Ann arrived at this point offering the extra moral support boost, which was well appreciated because she remembers things and I don't. It was all pretty much as I expected so far until the doc mentioned the district nurse coming for the next 7 days to give me anti sickness drugs. She suggested that I could actually administer the injections myself or get someone else to do them for me. This was a cue for Em to start excitedly wriggling in her seat and raising her hand in a 'pick me' kind of motion. I think this made her day! Watching me have needles is one thing...but getting to stick them in!!! Woo Hoo. I politely declined her offers and said i'd leave it to the nurse.

After the doc's appointment, we had to go and 'book in' on the chemo ward. We had been told they were running late and that I may be a little later than scheduled. The ward took my mobile number and said they would phone me when my drugs had arrived. This was at about 10.50am.

We decided that more coffee was a good idea. The ward phoned me at about 11.25 asking me to go and watch a chemotherapy dvd, which they show to first timers. We got to sit in very comfy chairs whilst the dvd scared me to death about the risks of infection. I can see me turning into Howard Hughes for the next 4 months. I assumed we would be good to go after this...but no.

I had my wig appointment at 1.30 and I was getting a bit concerned that I was going miss it, so the nurse suggested I go early to the wig place and see if I could get sorted. Fortunately, the 1.00 appointment hadn't turned up so I got a slot. I tried on about 8 wigs. We decided against long, as they are too high maintenance and I looked scary in them. The one we picked was quite nice. Couldn't bring it home because I forgot my wig prescription...doh! Pics will be posted asap. Emz and Ann are both trying to claim it when I have finished with it, so it can't be that bad. The whole wig thing didn't take long so we went back to the chemo ward to see if my drugs had arrived.....no. At 2.45, the nurse came and told me that I was next on the list. I didn't hold much store by this, cos she had told me the same thing and hour earlier and 3 people had been called since then. The fact that a lady told me she had been sent home the week before, after waiting 6 hours!!!!!! I was slightly more fortunate and went for my treatment at about 3.00. I had been told it would take about 20 minutes but they lied! The chemo nurse said it would be about 40 minutes minimum. But first we had the vein thing! After a few minutes of poking around, the nurse decided to put a heat pack on my hand to help find a workable vein.

Suitable vein located, it was all systems go. Saline bag hooked up, we were ready for the serious stuff. The first needle was a steroid. The 2nd was an anti sickness drug which was really strange cos it made your bum prickle ( I can't think of another word to describe the sensation) The next 2 big needles were the red ones that turn your wee red ( well its actually orange). The 3rd one was evil!! The nurse said it may make me feel light headed. What she didn't tell me was the horrible sensation like when you dive into a pool and water goes up your nose and you get that awful pain in your sinuses. I really did not like that. I'm not sure why it should do that but the nurse said other people have experienced that too....She could have warned me!! Then I went light headed! Last 2 needles were fine though. And that was that. Done and dusted. Picked up my injections and tablets and headed off home.

Its so weird though. I have these drugs coursing through my veins. Drugs so powerful that they will destroy many cells in my body, make my hair fall out, possibly damage my heart muscle etc etc...yet I feel fine! I suspect that over the next few days, that may change. Hey its in there now, so bring it on.

Will keep my blog updated over the next few days and see how poorly I actually get. Need to be right for Saturday though. Big City vs Valencia game. My induction into a lifetime of the misery and sadness that is being a City supporter. Blimey Michael. How much do I love you???

Thankyou to my darling girlie for once again, holding my hand and giving me a smile just at the right moment. Huge thanks to my Auntie Ann too.

Don't forget girlies...and guys........KEEP CHECKING!!!

Scan Day 28th July 2010

To say I have been scared about today, would be a gross understatement. I haven't slept for 2 nights. Every twinge or pain or day without going to the loo has been cancer spreading. Its the not knowing part that is far worse than the reality of what is actually happening.

Anyway today was D Day ( or S Day to be more precise).

I had 2 appointments. One for a scan at 9.45am and another to see a consultant at 3.00pm. I thought this was either a bad clerical error or bloody good service. The leaflets say you get to see an consultant within a week after your scan to discuss the results. I arrived at The Christie at 9.30am and headed off to the Pat Seed department. ( I actually remember Pat Seed raising funds for that unit many years ago) A nurse came to see me within a few minutes of me arriving. She explained that I would have to drink a 'contrast' fluid over a period of one hour. It makes all your organs show up properly in the scan. I would also have a cannula put in cos they have to inject another 'contrast' thingy while you are having the scan. This shows everything up in the scan. I nearly fell off my chair when, a few minutes later, she returned with a jar full of liquid. I did enquire if I had to drink it all, as there seemed such a lot! Yes, I did. 2 cups first, then another cup every 15 minutes. When my hour was up, they called me in to get undressed and have my cannula fitted. Once again, I wished them luck with the veins. The nurse cheated by asking which one the anaesthetist used and pounced on that one! JEEZ, THAT HURT. Now I am not a mard arse by any means....I am from Salford, but that hurt. Shortly after, they called me into the scan room. The scanner is like a big polo mint and not scary at all. The nurse warned me that the injection might feel a little warm as it has to be pre heated, and that I may feel like I had peed myself. Ok, thats fine as long as I don't actually pee myself. The scan took about 10 minutes and I didn't pee myself, and yes, it did feel like I had.

You have to wait 15 minutes to have the cannula removed ( I think this is a health and safety measure, in case you pass out)

Cannula out, and I'm only 3 hours early for my next appointment!

I tried to wander outside with a coffee for a while but I got bored and thought I'd try my luck throwing myself on the mercy of the receptionist at out patients. I explained to her about the bad scheduling and she said it wasn't a problem and she would slot me in earlier. First, I had to have some blood taken and have an ECG, then back to waiting.......

In all fairness, I only waited about 20 minutes, so I can't complain. I was shown to a consulting room and told someone would be with me shortly. As usual, in hospital terms this means about half an hour. Now, don't get me wrong. I cannot speak highly enough of the treatment and the pleasant, caring staff I have met since this whole thing started. Everyone from porters to consultants have been incredible and I would not hear a word against any of it, or them.......however, they have this terrible knack of sticking you in a room, alone but for a ticking clock and telling you that someone will be with you shortly, and then leaving you there waiting for ages and ages when your head is in bits. Whinge over.....

Mr Howell. my consultant was lovely. I was a bit worried when he asked if I had somebody with me though. He asked me how I was and what had happened so far. He then started asking lots of questions about past health and family history. As usual, I explained I have no family history of breast cancer. He then asked if there was any family history of bowel or lung cancer. It was at this point when I first thought " Oh shit, what have they found??????" He asked to check my wounds and that my infection was going or gone. I wasn't paying too much attention at this point as I was convinced I was about to be given a death sentence. " That all looks great" he said " Have you had a CAT scan yet?" Now at THAT point , I nearly did pee myself!! He hadn't seen my results! He was just asking general questions! and I calmed down a little!!! He went to check on my scan results. I chatted with Bethan, my breast care nurse and it was very hard not to cry, I was sooo scared. This was it!

Mr Howell came back in. " I'm no radiographer" he said " but your scans are fine. No sign of any spread or tumours" I actually wanted to kiss him at that point, to jump up and punch the air shouting " oh yes, come on!!" I restrained myself, needless to say. He must have thought I'd lost the plot at this poit, he is talking to me about my hair and nails falling out...more surgery...side effects of drugs...and I'm sat there grinning saying " yeah..thats fine..great" Crazy woman!!

I was a little bit shocked to hear that I will lose my hair much quicker than I thought. In the next 4 weeks. This means the sponsored head shave has to be in the next 10 days. Lots to organise!!

All in all, a very positive, good day made even better half an hour ago when I got a mail from Wendy. ( You remember, the lady in the bad opposite in the hospital). Her scan was clear too and she starts her chemo on Thursday as well. I have a chemo buddy!!

I told Em the nurse said my hair will grow back fluffy and soft like baby hair and she said " aww Mum, that will be sooo cute" Gotta love her. I had sent Mikey a text telling him everything was ok but he didn't get it. I'm glad really, cos I got to tell him in person and we had lovely cuddles and I gotta love him too.

We are off to my uncle's birthday party on Staurday so we are putting on our glad rags and having some beers and some fun cos for the first time in a long time, we have something to smile about. I love my family very much and they make it all worthwhile.

Leaky bits. 20th July 2010

Since the Doc took my paper stitches off last week, there has been an increase of manky stuff leaking from my breast wound. I put clean jammies on last night and by this morning they were pretty messy so I figured it best to ring the breast care nurse. She said I should see the Doc today, as its probably infected.

Had an appointment for 3.30pm but Em and I arrived an hour early. They were very good though and we were seen within 5 minutes. Mr Gandhi was busy so I saw another Doctor ( didn't catch his name). The nurse was very impressed with the dressing Em had applied! Anyway, as suspected, its infected ( hence the shooting pain I have had). They squeezed lots of gunk out and then took some out with a needle. It actually felt a bit better almost immediately, although there is still lots of fluid to come out. Have to go back on Friday to have it checked again.

I asked again about the coil I have, and if it was in any way responsible for the cancer. He said probably, as the tumour was responsive to oestrogen and progesterone. Up til now, everyone I have asked has said emphatically that it is a coincidence. Hmmm. Going to have it taken out this week.

Em remembered to ask the grade of tumour. It was a grade 2. Not particularly aggressive but seems to have gone wandering quite early on. Impatient like me! He explained why I need more surgery and I now kind of understand it. He also siad that the cells found in the safety margin weren't actually cancerous, but potentially cancerous and therefore the breast was not the priority but the rest of my body in case of it spreading. I felt a little better at this ( I am so easily pleased these days). He said I should hear from Christies very soon for my scan. I am dreading this but at least I will know. At the moment, every little twinge or pain I feel is another tumour to me. Just want to hurry up and get it over with.

Results Day. 13th July 2010

My appointment was for 3.40pm so I arranged to meet Wendy in the cafe at 3.00pm, just to catch up and compare notes. Unfortunately, we sat waiting for each other in 2 different cafes!! Doh! Our appointments were for the same time with the same doctor, so inevitably, one of us was going to be delayed. We were both still sat there at 5.00pm and were the only 2 patients left in the building. I was called in at 5.20. Em agreed to take notes for me, as sometimes you only catch bits of information. (Particularly if its bad news. Then you just hear the bad bits and everything else just kind of fades into the background). We sat for another half an hour in a consulting room. Mr Gandhi came in at about 5.50pm with a breast care nurse. He apologised for keeping us waiting and got out my notes. He said there were a few things we needed to talk about, so we would take them one at a time. First one was that I need more surgery. Seemingly, the safety margin they cut out with the tumour had some microscopic cancer cells in it. They need to take more breast tissue away. Mr Gandhi assured me there was still no need for a mastectomy though.

Secondly, they are going to start chemotherapy straight away because 8 out of the 17 lymph nodes they took had cancer in them. I am quite glad I asked them to take them all out now!! At least I don't need more armpit surgery. Chemo should start in about 3 weeks, after a body scan and a consultation at The Christie. The doc said this would probably go on for about 8 months. When that is over, I have another op and after that I have hormone treatment ( the tumour was hormone receptive) and radiotherapy. Its all a bit crap really. I guess apart from the op, I am still having the treatment I expected, just in a different order.

Em, as always was brilliant and took it all on board then shrugged it all off saying " Its just treatment to make you better"

Mikey came home from his conference early cos he was worried about me. I am ok though, so we decide that a bottle of wine would be a good idea. We talked about things and how crappy and unfair it all is but we all have each other for love and support. I really do have a lovely family!!

Got a mail from Wendy later in the evening. Can´t believe it! She had exactly the same news as me. Wendy has to go in and have the rest of her lymph nodes out after her chemo. We should be starting chemo at the same time, so I have a chemo buddy!!

I am going to try and raise some money for Genesis by shaving my head. I know its a bit of a cheat really because it will fall out in a couple of months anyway but I will still do it. I have roped Wendy in on it too, so it will be a double shave.

In fact I may try and find some more shavees ( I don´t think that is a real word!!) and have a mass shaving. Don´t know where or when but it will be fairly soon. Will keep everyone posted.

I have probably forgotten loads of things but if I remember anything, I will tag it on later.

Remember girlies.......KEEP CHECKING!!

Sat 10th July 2010

Blog has been quiet for a few days, basically because there isn't much to report at the moment. My armpit still hurts like hell, although the boobie is much less swollen and tender. Stitches are loosening up. They may come off after a couple more showers.

Off to see consultant on Tuesday for the results of the tests. I have the same time appointment as Wendy ( the lady in the bed opposite me) so we are going to catch up for a chat.

I stressed at the beginning of my blog, the importance of checking yourself for lumps and changes. Well, it turns out that my auntie was telling a friend of hers about my illness and op. It obviously weighed on her mind a little because she went home and checked her breasts. She too found a lump. It has turned out to be quite serious and she is due to go in for a mastectomy in 2 weeks. So am sending lots of positive thoughts for a speedy recovery for Val. So come on girlies...keep checking!!

Managed to wear a bra this week but after a couple of hours it got really uncomfortable, so I gave up. Will maybe try again today.

Bought some antiseptic wipes and spray, to clean my armpit and try and make it smell a bit better so that when Emz checks my wound, she doesn't do the fake theatrical gagging thing cos of the smell!. Got to love her!!

On a lighter note, Em has gone off to Amsterdam for the weekend. Supposedly to watch Holland win the world cup. There are 2 things wrong there. Firstly, Spain will win the world cup and secondly, Em will probably ( despite my warnings) be in some brown cafe with her cousin Euan, sampling anything that is available with marijuana in it, and not watching the football at all.

Going to have a snuggly loved up weekend with my Hunni.

Home. 30th June 2010

The nurse said I could go home today if everything was ok when they took the drain out. There is veery little fluid coming out of it now, so I guess it will be ok. Breakfast was cold toast again. The docs have this incredible knack of arriving just as my warm toast does. Anyhow the doc seems happy enough. Not too much swelling and the blood supply to my nipple is ok, she says I can go home.

The nurse takes Wendy's drain out first. I didn't hear a yelp or a scream, so I guess it must be ok. By the time the nurse comes back to do my drain, Wendy is showered, packed and dressed!

The nurse assures me it won't hurt and to be honest...it didn't. There are a couple of blisters caused by the drain which sting, but not too bad. Wendy's hubby has arrived and we say our farewells and promise to keep in touch.

Dressed and packed by 9.30. Time to give Em a quick call and tell her to come and get me. Naturally, being 17, she only does one 9.30 a day, so I woke her up. She confesses that the house isn't really very tidy and that she will tidy, then come and get me. After half an hour, I am bored and convince the nurse that I am quite capable of hauling myself in a cab and getting home ok. Em will come down and meet me and carry my bag.

She is waiting when the cab gets home and carries my stuff upstairs. First things first...I NEED A SHOWER!! How does anyone not know when they need deodorant? I have taken my anti perspirant for granted for many years, but, never again!! I am not allowed to use any deodorant, or shave until my wounds have healed and to be completely honest...I smell. I was very worried about showering.Not really sure why but I am exhausted afterwards. Most unfortunately, I have built up quite a sweat!

I have found 2 sleeping positions which work ok, so I am getting some sleep at last. The pain is bearable. Its a stinging kind of pain though, not a constant ache. Still, should be better in a couple of days.

No sign of improvement by Saturday. In fact its worse. I don't mind the wound pain, I expected that. Its the pain in my arm which is very odd. I have read about this cording thingy. Its because your lymph nodes are behind a set of nerves which run down your arm ( I think). During surgery they get tugged about and damaged sometimes. Think thats what has happened to mine,or maybe its just normal, not sure. I will ask doc when I go for my results on Thursday.

Had a trip to Tesco with Mikey on Saturday but I just couldn't concentrate so we ended up with not a lot of food.

Promised we would go up and see my dad on Sunday. He lives in Southport so its an hour in the car. Padded myself up with a cushion for support ( can't get a bra on yet). Called in to see my sister Ange first and had crumpets, as usual. After an hour at dad's, I was very tired and my arm was killing so we decided to head home.

Its been a week today since I had a ciggy!!

Had my first wobbly today. Bursting into tears over something stupid and doing my ' I want to be alone ' bit. It was proper sobbing as well. Must be getting to me a bit now.

Had my 2nd wobbly today. Major one, too. Oh, I was leaving home and taking my crappy illness with me, I was a huge burden to everyone etc etc. All of which was total crap but I really meant it. I sobbed for about 20 minutes had a cig and a long talk with Mikey and Em and then I was fine again. I have decided 2 things; Firstly, that sobbing isn't really that good for you. A cuddle is much better and, secondly, that despite my ciggy lapse, I will not have any more tomorrow.....honest.

Pics taken 3 days post op.

Post Op 29th June 2010

It is impossible to sleep in hospital! I'm sure they do it on purpose so you can't wait to go home...just to sleep. Wounds are stinging but I can't bring myself to look at them just yet. Still feel weak and very tired. Decided I would brave a trip to the loo at about 6 o clock this morning, while it is quiet. They put your drain in a kind of shoulder bag so you can carry it around with you. So off I go with my little bag. Took it very slowly as I figured keeling over and landing on my right boob could be a tad painful. Managed it ok and headed back to bed.

They brought a lady in, early last evening and she went to theatre quite late on. We chatted this morning. Her name is Wendy and she has had a mastectomy. She seems to be doing much better than I am, pain wise, I mean. However, in all fairness I am only having codeine and paracetamol! Mikey and Emz call in at lunchtime bringing ( as instructed!!) flowers, chocolate and grapes, oh and a latte from the cafe downstairs because they do awful coffee in here. Wendy's visitors all sit reading different newspapers and generally ignoring her but her hubby goes and buys her some flowers after we establish that it is not against hospital policy to have flowers. Her family seem very nice really.

Spent most of the afternoon dozing. Tried to eat a sandwich but the throat is still too swollen.

The nurse suggested a stroll down to the dinner cart later on. The options were; savoury mince, cauliflower cheese or chicken a la king. I enquired what the 'a la king' was and they didn't know. Oh well..in for a penny. It looked mushy enough to slide down the throat. After eating it, I still couldn't say for certain what it was other than, it was chicken and it was white and it didn't get eaten.

The doctors say that if my drain comes out ok tomorrow, I can go home. That seems a bit quick to me. I still fell dreadful. Very sleepy and sore.

Had more visitors in the evening. Well, some of them came to visit me and the others came to watch football. It is nice when people come to visit though. Ann had noted my hospital request list and they brought flowers, chocolates and grapes and magazines...perfect.

Visiting time is over and the ward is quiet once again. At least we hope it is!! We all discuss the screaming man that has kept us awake for the past 2 nights. We aren't entirely sure where he is in the hospital. It sounds like he is being kept on the ' surgery while you are awake' ward, or in the torture department. The nurse has suggested it may be a woman on the maternity ward with a very deep voice but we don't think so. Hopefully, he has had enough and discharged himself and we will get some sleep !