Scan Day 28th July 2010

To say I have been scared about today, would be a gross understatement. I haven't slept for 2 nights. Every twinge or pain or day without going to the loo has been cancer spreading. Its the not knowing part that is far worse than the reality of what is actually happening.

Anyway today was D Day ( or S Day to be more precise).

I had 2 appointments. One for a scan at 9.45am and another to see a consultant at 3.00pm. I thought this was either a bad clerical error or bloody good service. The leaflets say you get to see an consultant within a week after your scan to discuss the results. I arrived at The Christie at 9.30am and headed off to the Pat Seed department. ( I actually remember Pat Seed raising funds for that unit many years ago) A nurse came to see me within a few minutes of me arriving. She explained that I would have to drink a 'contrast' fluid over a period of one hour. It makes all your organs show up properly in the scan. I would also have a cannula put in cos they have to inject another 'contrast' thingy while you are having the scan. This shows everything up in the scan. I nearly fell off my chair when, a few minutes later, she returned with a jar full of liquid. I did enquire if I had to drink it all, as there seemed such a lot! Yes, I did. 2 cups first, then another cup every 15 minutes. When my hour was up, they called me in to get undressed and have my cannula fitted. Once again, I wished them luck with the veins. The nurse cheated by asking which one the anaesthetist used and pounced on that one! JEEZ, THAT HURT. Now I am not a mard arse by any means....I am from Salford, but that hurt. Shortly after, they called me into the scan room. The scanner is like a big polo mint and not scary at all. The nurse warned me that the injection might feel a little warm as it has to be pre heated, and that I may feel like I had peed myself. Ok, thats fine as long as I don't actually pee myself. The scan took about 10 minutes and I didn't pee myself, and yes, it did feel like I had.

You have to wait 15 minutes to have the cannula removed ( I think this is a health and safety measure, in case you pass out)

Cannula out, and I'm only 3 hours early for my next appointment!

I tried to wander outside with a coffee for a while but I got bored and thought I'd try my luck throwing myself on the mercy of the receptionist at out patients. I explained to her about the bad scheduling and she said it wasn't a problem and she would slot me in earlier. First, I had to have some blood taken and have an ECG, then back to waiting.......

In all fairness, I only waited about 20 minutes, so I can't complain. I was shown to a consulting room and told someone would be with me shortly. As usual, in hospital terms this means about half an hour. Now, don't get me wrong. I cannot speak highly enough of the treatment and the pleasant, caring staff I have met since this whole thing started. Everyone from porters to consultants have been incredible and I would not hear a word against any of it, or them.......however, they have this terrible knack of sticking you in a room, alone but for a ticking clock and telling you that someone will be with you shortly, and then leaving you there waiting for ages and ages when your head is in bits. Whinge over.....

Mr Howell. my consultant was lovely. I was a bit worried when he asked if I had somebody with me though. He asked me how I was and what had happened so far. He then started asking lots of questions about past health and family history. As usual, I explained I have no family history of breast cancer. He then asked if there was any family history of bowel or lung cancer. It was at this point when I first thought " Oh shit, what have they found??????" He asked to check my wounds and that my infection was going or gone. I wasn't paying too much attention at this point as I was convinced I was about to be given a death sentence. " That all looks great" he said " Have you had a CAT scan yet?" Now at THAT point , I nearly did pee myself!! He hadn't seen my results! He was just asking general questions! and I calmed down a little!!! He went to check on my scan results. I chatted with Bethan, my breast care nurse and it was very hard not to cry, I was sooo scared. This was it!

Mr Howell came back in. " I'm no radiographer" he said " but your scans are fine. No sign of any spread or tumours" I actually wanted to kiss him at that point, to jump up and punch the air shouting " oh yes, come on!!" I restrained myself, needless to say. He must have thought I'd lost the plot at this poit, he is talking to me about my hair and nails falling out...more surgery...side effects of drugs...and I'm sat there grinning saying " yeah..thats fine..great" Crazy woman!!

I was a little bit shocked to hear that I will lose my hair much quicker than I thought. In the next 4 weeks. This means the sponsored head shave has to be in the next 10 days. Lots to organise!!

All in all, a very positive, good day made even better half an hour ago when I got a mail from Wendy. ( You remember, the lady in the bad opposite in the hospital). Her scan was clear too and she starts her chemo on Thursday as well. I have a chemo buddy!!

I told Em the nurse said my hair will grow back fluffy and soft like baby hair and she said " aww Mum, that will be sooo cute" Gotta love her. I had sent Mikey a text telling him everything was ok but he didn't get it. I'm glad really, cos I got to tell him in person and we had lovely cuddles and I gotta love him too.

We are off to my uncle's birthday party on Staurday so we are putting on our glad rags and having some beers and some fun cos for the first time in a long time, we have something to smile about. I love my family very much and they make it all worthwhile.

Leaky bits. 20th July 2010

Since the Doc took my paper stitches off last week, there has been an increase of manky stuff leaking from my breast wound. I put clean jammies on last night and by this morning they were pretty messy so I figured it best to ring the breast care nurse. She said I should see the Doc today, as its probably infected.

Had an appointment for 3.30pm but Em and I arrived an hour early. They were very good though and we were seen within 5 minutes. Mr Gandhi was busy so I saw another Doctor ( didn't catch his name). The nurse was very impressed with the dressing Em had applied! Anyway, as suspected, its infected ( hence the shooting pain I have had). They squeezed lots of gunk out and then took some out with a needle. It actually felt a bit better almost immediately, although there is still lots of fluid to come out. Have to go back on Friday to have it checked again.

I asked again about the coil I have, and if it was in any way responsible for the cancer. He said probably, as the tumour was responsive to oestrogen and progesterone. Up til now, everyone I have asked has said emphatically that it is a coincidence. Hmmm. Going to have it taken out this week.

Em remembered to ask the grade of tumour. It was a grade 2. Not particularly aggressive but seems to have gone wandering quite early on. Impatient like me! He explained why I need more surgery and I now kind of understand it. He also siad that the cells found in the safety margin weren't actually cancerous, but potentially cancerous and therefore the breast was not the priority but the rest of my body in case of it spreading. I felt a little better at this ( I am so easily pleased these days). He said I should hear from Christies very soon for my scan. I am dreading this but at least I will know. At the moment, every little twinge or pain I feel is another tumour to me. Just want to hurry up and get it over with.

Results Day. 13th July 2010

My appointment was for 3.40pm so I arranged to meet Wendy in the cafe at 3.00pm, just to catch up and compare notes. Unfortunately, we sat waiting for each other in 2 different cafes!! Doh! Our appointments were for the same time with the same doctor, so inevitably, one of us was going to be delayed. We were both still sat there at 5.00pm and were the only 2 patients left in the building. I was called in at 5.20. Em agreed to take notes for me, as sometimes you only catch bits of information. (Particularly if its bad news. Then you just hear the bad bits and everything else just kind of fades into the background). We sat for another half an hour in a consulting room. Mr Gandhi came in at about 5.50pm with a breast care nurse. He apologised for keeping us waiting and got out my notes. He said there were a few things we needed to talk about, so we would take them one at a time. First one was that I need more surgery. Seemingly, the safety margin they cut out with the tumour had some microscopic cancer cells in it. They need to take more breast tissue away. Mr Gandhi assured me there was still no need for a mastectomy though.

Secondly, they are going to start chemotherapy straight away because 8 out of the 17 lymph nodes they took had cancer in them. I am quite glad I asked them to take them all out now!! At least I don't need more armpit surgery. Chemo should start in about 3 weeks, after a body scan and a consultation at The Christie. The doc said this would probably go on for about 8 months. When that is over, I have another op and after that I have hormone treatment ( the tumour was hormone receptive) and radiotherapy. Its all a bit crap really. I guess apart from the op, I am still having the treatment I expected, just in a different order.

Em, as always was brilliant and took it all on board then shrugged it all off saying " Its just treatment to make you better"

Mikey came home from his conference early cos he was worried about me. I am ok though, so we decide that a bottle of wine would be a good idea. We talked about things and how crappy and unfair it all is but we all have each other for love and support. I really do have a lovely family!!

Got a mail from Wendy later in the evening. Can´t believe it! She had exactly the same news as me. Wendy has to go in and have the rest of her lymph nodes out after her chemo. We should be starting chemo at the same time, so I have a chemo buddy!!

I am going to try and raise some money for Genesis by shaving my head. I know its a bit of a cheat really because it will fall out in a couple of months anyway but I will still do it. I have roped Wendy in on it too, so it will be a double shave.

In fact I may try and find some more shavees ( I don´t think that is a real word!!) and have a mass shaving. Don´t know where or when but it will be fairly soon. Will keep everyone posted.

I have probably forgotten loads of things but if I remember anything, I will tag it on later.

Remember girlies.......KEEP CHECKING!!

Sat 10th July 2010

Blog has been quiet for a few days, basically because there isn't much to report at the moment. My armpit still hurts like hell, although the boobie is much less swollen and tender. Stitches are loosening up. They may come off after a couple more showers.

Off to see consultant on Tuesday for the results of the tests. I have the same time appointment as Wendy ( the lady in the bed opposite me) so we are going to catch up for a chat.

I stressed at the beginning of my blog, the importance of checking yourself for lumps and changes. Well, it turns out that my auntie was telling a friend of hers about my illness and op. It obviously weighed on her mind a little because she went home and checked her breasts. She too found a lump. It has turned out to be quite serious and she is due to go in for a mastectomy in 2 weeks. So am sending lots of positive thoughts for a speedy recovery for Val. So come on girlies...keep checking!!

Managed to wear a bra this week but after a couple of hours it got really uncomfortable, so I gave up. Will maybe try again today.

Bought some antiseptic wipes and spray, to clean my armpit and try and make it smell a bit better so that when Emz checks my wound, she doesn't do the fake theatrical gagging thing cos of the smell!. Got to love her!!

On a lighter note, Em has gone off to Amsterdam for the weekend. Supposedly to watch Holland win the world cup. There are 2 things wrong there. Firstly, Spain will win the world cup and secondly, Em will probably ( despite my warnings) be in some brown cafe with her cousin Euan, sampling anything that is available with marijuana in it, and not watching the football at all.

Going to have a snuggly loved up weekend with my Hunni.

Home. 30th June 2010

The nurse said I could go home today if everything was ok when they took the drain out. There is veery little fluid coming out of it now, so I guess it will be ok. Breakfast was cold toast again. The docs have this incredible knack of arriving just as my warm toast does. Anyhow the doc seems happy enough. Not too much swelling and the blood supply to my nipple is ok, she says I can go home.

The nurse takes Wendy's drain out first. I didn't hear a yelp or a scream, so I guess it must be ok. By the time the nurse comes back to do my drain, Wendy is showered, packed and dressed!

The nurse assures me it won't hurt and to be honest...it didn't. There are a couple of blisters caused by the drain which sting, but not too bad. Wendy's hubby has arrived and we say our farewells and promise to keep in touch.

Dressed and packed by 9.30. Time to give Em a quick call and tell her to come and get me. Naturally, being 17, she only does one 9.30 a day, so I woke her up. She confesses that the house isn't really very tidy and that she will tidy, then come and get me. After half an hour, I am bored and convince the nurse that I am quite capable of hauling myself in a cab and getting home ok. Em will come down and meet me and carry my bag.

She is waiting when the cab gets home and carries my stuff upstairs. First things first...I NEED A SHOWER!! How does anyone not know when they need deodorant? I have taken my anti perspirant for granted for many years, but, never again!! I am not allowed to use any deodorant, or shave until my wounds have healed and to be completely honest...I smell. I was very worried about showering.Not really sure why but I am exhausted afterwards. Most unfortunately, I have built up quite a sweat!

I have found 2 sleeping positions which work ok, so I am getting some sleep at last. The pain is bearable. Its a stinging kind of pain though, not a constant ache. Still, should be better in a couple of days.

No sign of improvement by Saturday. In fact its worse. I don't mind the wound pain, I expected that. Its the pain in my arm which is very odd. I have read about this cording thingy. Its because your lymph nodes are behind a set of nerves which run down your arm ( I think). During surgery they get tugged about and damaged sometimes. Think thats what has happened to mine,or maybe its just normal, not sure. I will ask doc when I go for my results on Thursday.

Had a trip to Tesco with Mikey on Saturday but I just couldn't concentrate so we ended up with not a lot of food.

Promised we would go up and see my dad on Sunday. He lives in Southport so its an hour in the car. Padded myself up with a cushion for support ( can't get a bra on yet). Called in to see my sister Ange first and had crumpets, as usual. After an hour at dad's, I was very tired and my arm was killing so we decided to head home.

Its been a week today since I had a ciggy!!

Had my first wobbly today. Bursting into tears over something stupid and doing my ' I want to be alone ' bit. It was proper sobbing as well. Must be getting to me a bit now.

Had my 2nd wobbly today. Major one, too. Oh, I was leaving home and taking my crappy illness with me, I was a huge burden to everyone etc etc. All of which was total crap but I really meant it. I sobbed for about 20 minutes had a cig and a long talk with Mikey and Em and then I was fine again. I have decided 2 things; Firstly, that sobbing isn't really that good for you. A cuddle is much better and, secondly, that despite my ciggy lapse, I will not have any more tomorrow.....honest.

Pics taken 3 days post op.

Post Op 29th June 2010

It is impossible to sleep in hospital! I'm sure they do it on purpose so you can't wait to go home...just to sleep. Wounds are stinging but I can't bring myself to look at them just yet. Still feel weak and very tired. Decided I would brave a trip to the loo at about 6 o clock this morning, while it is quiet. They put your drain in a kind of shoulder bag so you can carry it around with you. So off I go with my little bag. Took it very slowly as I figured keeling over and landing on my right boob could be a tad painful. Managed it ok and headed back to bed.

They brought a lady in, early last evening and she went to theatre quite late on. We chatted this morning. Her name is Wendy and she has had a mastectomy. She seems to be doing much better than I am, pain wise, I mean. However, in all fairness I am only having codeine and paracetamol! Mikey and Emz call in at lunchtime bringing ( as instructed!!) flowers, chocolate and grapes, oh and a latte from the cafe downstairs because they do awful coffee in here. Wendy's visitors all sit reading different newspapers and generally ignoring her but her hubby goes and buys her some flowers after we establish that it is not against hospital policy to have flowers. Her family seem very nice really.

Spent most of the afternoon dozing. Tried to eat a sandwich but the throat is still too swollen.

The nurse suggested a stroll down to the dinner cart later on. The options were; savoury mince, cauliflower cheese or chicken a la king. I enquired what the 'a la king' was and they didn't know. Oh well..in for a penny. It looked mushy enough to slide down the throat. After eating it, I still couldn't say for certain what it was other than, it was chicken and it was white and it didn't get eaten.

The doctors say that if my drain comes out ok tomorrow, I can go home. That seems a bit quick to me. I still fell dreadful. Very sleepy and sore.

Had more visitors in the evening. Well, some of them came to visit me and the others came to watch football. It is nice when people come to visit though. Ann had noted my hospital request list and they brought flowers, chocolates and grapes and magazines...perfect.

Visiting time is over and the ward is quiet once again. At least we hope it is!! We all discuss the screaming man that has kept us awake for the past 2 nights. We aren't entirely sure where he is in the hospital. It sounds like he is being kept on the ' surgery while you are awake' ward, or in the torture department. The nurse has suggested it may be a woman on the maternity ward with a very deep voice but we don't think so. Hopefully, he has had enough and discharged himself and we will get some sleep !

The Op. Monday 28th June 2010

I woke at 5.15 this morning and waited for the sun to come up. Eventually, at about 7ish, people started milling about. The nurse had left me a gown and awful anti embolism stockings the night before. I went and showered and put them on. After more questions and tests, I was ready to go..well almost. Need to see the surgeon ( who I still haven't met) and the anaesthetist. The surgical team came to see me at about 8 O clock. They decided that the best way to get rid of the tumour was by opening up the nipple and taking it out from there so my breast doesn't look too deformed. ( not too sure about that ...but ok). The lymph nodes come out from a separate cut under my armpit. They explain that a drain will be put in under my arm to remove any excess fluid ( cos I won't have any lymph nodes to do it for me). They ask me if I understand everything and if I have any questions. They draw some pictures on my chest and say see you in theatre.

The porters arrive to take Beryl and I down to theatre. My anaesthetist arrives just as we are about to leave. We go through the procedure once again and before I leave, I ask her to please make sure I wake up. She smiles and says she will.

I waited in the theatre reception for a while, until a very nice lady came and went through the questions again! Funny, but she reminds me of my mum ( apart from the fact that my mum was neither 5 ft 2 or Polish!) She asked me if I had a nice weekend. She said that she had a lovely weekend..in Southport. Ok so maybe now I'm actually crapping myself so much that I am clinging onto any desperate hope that my mum was there watching over me, but it works for me.

She took me into an ante room and hooked me up to the usual monitors. I knew there would be vein issues. There are always vein issues! Its made worse by the fact that my right arm can't be used for stuff like that any more and that's where my half decent veins are. I wished them luck in their search for a non collapsing vein. Surprisingly, it only took 2 painful attempts before they found one up near my wrist somewhere. By this point in time I am visibly shaking, I am so scared. The nice lady ( who I am now convinced is my mum ) says they will just give me something to calm my nerves first, before they put me to sleep. She lied..she put me to sleep.

I woke briefly in a small ward. Someone told me that everything was fine and they would be taking me back to the ward soon.

The rest of the day was spent drifting in and out of consciousness. I woke up when Mikey and Em arrived at visiting time. I don't know if I made much sense to them, but I knew what I was talking about. I didn't have any pain apart from my throat. Bloody Hell!! My throat was killing and very swollen. I don't really remember much about that evening,apart from trying to eat a cheese sandwich and giving up because it wouldn't fit down my swollen throat.

The Op. Sunday 27th June 2010

Had a lovely Sunday lunch courtesy of Barrie and Ann. Watched Engerland ( what a shower!!!). To be honest, I was somewhat distracted. Go to go to hospital at 5.30. Decided to have my last ciggy in the car on the way there. Arrived at ward F16. It was quite a nice little 4 bedded ward. 2 of the beds were empty and here was another lady waiting to be admitted. Mike and Emz stayed for a while but I told them to get off home. No point in all 3 of us being bored, plus Em was being drawn to playing with the electronic bed and I could foresee and incident. I promised her as she was leaving that I would do the Homer Simpson " Bed goes up....bed goes down" thing before I left.

Good news. I'm first on the op list tomorrow so I don't have all day hanging about, starving and getting more stressed. Had a chat with Beryl in the next bed ( she's having a hysterectomy) and decided that sleep would be good. Am I scared? Yes.