Chemo Day 2. 28th August 2010

Early start today. Had to be at Christies for blood tests at 8.00am. Mikey dropped me on his way to work, which saved me the 50 minute bus ride. Didn't get my bloods done til 8.20 which then slows down the whole process a bit. However, the nurse was very good and managed to get the blood with just one stab...result!! My veins must be having a good day. Auntie Ann arrived just in time for coffee before seeing the Doc. Saw the Doc just after 9.00am. I gave her an update on the hospital tour and the abscess stuff. She asked if I was happy to carry on having the chemo, as it would slow down the healing process significantly. It never ceases to amaze me that they have to ask!! Its such a no brainer! ' Which would you prefer Mrs Henson? The possibility of rogue cancer cells implanting themselves in your organs? or maybe having a few more weeks of having the hole packed? Hmmmmm...let me think!! What's an extra month or so of not showering? Ah, better check with my nearest and dearest on that one! Once the Doc had checked that there was no redness or swelling, I was given the go ahead for the drugs. We went up to the chemo ward and booked in. They said there wasn't much of a delay but they would phone me when it was my turn, so we went and had more coffee...oh and a scone. ( Which I am allowed because I have lost 4kg!! RESULT! I am going to stick to this Ikea Cappuccino biscuit diet.) The ward didn't ring by the time we had finished, so we went back anyway. We had only just sat down when they called me. This is the bit I dread most. I now have a loathing of cannulas. My veins have had a bit of a bashing this week and I knew it would be a struggle....oh and how. After discussing the possibility of having a permanent 'line' put in, (which I really don't want to do) a couple of nearly getting the vein, a heat pack and my hand turning black due to my circulation being cut off, she opted for my forearm. Success!! A painful success but effective. We go through the which syringe does what. First one steroids. 2 and 3 are the ones that make your hair fall out and pee orange and give you the prickly bum sensation. 4 is the metallic taste one ( I have mints ready!) 5 is the one that makes you dizzy ( some might say I have already mastered that without the help of drugs) and gives you the awful ' water up your nose' sensation. Lastly is the anti sickness one. I have to be honest, none of the effects were as pronounced as the first time, but maybe thats because I knew what to expect. Picked up my prescription and headed home. I do feel a bit sick so I may have to do some more drugs later...if I can stay awake long enough!

Wot? No shower? 23rd August 2010

Back to the dressings clinic today. Apparently, abscess is looking ok. Took 15cm of stuff to pack it. (Don't know if thats good or bad to be honest) but it only took a couple of minutes to sort. The other hole that opened up on Friday has scabbed over and seems ok too.

I asked when I could have a bath, because I'll be honest, it has been a few days since I last showered because I was told not to get the dressings wet. "ooh, not yet" said Lauren, the breast nurse. ·"There is still quite a hole there and it needs to heal" She then went on to tell me about another patient with a similar problem to mine, but which had been going on for some months with no sign of healing. It turns out that the woman had been bathing and showering almost daily.

" So when can I have a bath or a shower then? I asked. " In a couple of months" was the reply!!!!!

It appears I am allowed to wash in a very shallow bath without wetting the dressing...woo hoo....great!! At least the smell will keep all the people with germs and colds away from me!

Guess what I'm going to be doing in the last week of October! Bring on the bath smellies, candles and wine!

My hair is like velcro today. Great for Em to file her nails on! We just need some of those velcro balls, and we can play a new game....see how many balls I can catch with my head.

Nah, only kidding. Mikey is shaving it tonight for me. I didn't accept Emz offer as I have seen the state of her legs after she has shaved them!! The bathroom would look like a slaughter house.

Bald I can handle. Looking like an extra from The Mummy? No ta.

If its not one thing.....Sat 21st August 2010

Its started! Day 16 since my first chemo and my hair has started to fall out. There isn't much of it anyway but it is falling out. Well, more thinning to be honest. I think it would be much worse if my hair was still long.

How do I feel about it? Still not sure. Will let you know in a couple of days !

The Abscess Pt 2 19th August 2010

Despite assurances that saline would be the only leaky stuff I would have, the gunk was back! Not as much to be honest but enough to worry again. Miss Cox has had another clean up and decided that a scan is probably the best option. She opened up the hole some more ( yes, fortunately it is still numb) and spotted something inside, which she pulled out with some forceps. " I think we have found the root of the problem" she said. " If you're not squeamish, have a look" She showed me a lump of yellowy, bloody stuff on a tissue. " It's a chunk of fat" she said. Now, I have had and still have issues with fat in my body, but these are generally located in my bum and belly, and don't usually end up with abscesses! After politely requesting that she uses her forceps to do a bit of fat removal from my Spanish Apron ( she sadly refused) I was cleaned up again and sent for a scan.

The scan only took a couple of minutes and appeared completely clear. No pockets of fluid or lumps of things that shouldn't be there. Just a hole and a channel leading up to the surface of the skin. My wound was re dressed and I was packed off home for another 24 hours.

Friday morning's appointment went well. Wound looks fine. Laura, a breast care nurse assures me that even if my dent doesn't go away on its own, the surgeon will repair it! And just to put the top hat on the morning...it is still only 10.15am and there is a MacDonalds not 5 minutes away. WooHoo MacDonalds breakfast!!!! Hmm, yes. I forgot to eat before I left home again!!

Friday night, another hole has appeared on one of my original op wounds. It leaks a little but nothing major. Will leave it til Monday and they can look at it in clinic.

17th August 2010. Back to Wythenshawe.

I wasn't really sure who to phone and ask about the problem. I tried the breast nurse number first and it was an answer phone message saying it could take up to 24 hours to ring me back! That wasn't an option as I was leaking out again. I rang ward F16, where I had my original surgery and they said to go and see them and they would make sure a doctor was around to see me.

We arrived and were directed to the day room and asked to wait there. A young doctor arrived about 10 minutes later and asked a few questions before going off to read my notes. Another nurse came and checked my blood pressure and temperature...both ok. The doctor came back just as Em rang, so Mikey talked to Em while I went to have a check up from the doctor. It was going ok until she tried to take the dressing off and this bloody stuff started pouring everywhere. She grabbed handfuls of paper towels and waterproof stuff and told me told press down and hold it on my breast while she made a quick call to her superiors. She came back after about 10 minutes to tell me she had spoken to a trainee surgeon who was coming to take a look. The other bad news was that she needed some blood. ( I feel like I am now living on the set of a vampire movie. Everytime I leave the house..somebody wants my blood!!!

Anyway, this trainee surgeon arrives and we go through the same thing again. Remove dressing..bloody stuff all over..mop it up..pass me on to someone else. This time, I was being passed to the Nightingale Centre and the trainee surgeon says " I am just going to make a phone call". As usual, when I am in a hospital, I am starving! ( I really do need to eat before I go in future) Worryingly, the Doc has told me I cannot eat or drink as they may need to take me into theatre! In the time I am left waiting to know what is going on, Mike has been and had breakfast, a read of his paper and a fag! After what seemed like an eternity, the doc returned and said they definitely need blood, despite my assurances that my white blood count was very good yesterday and I don't have any veins left that aren't bruised and full of holes from the weekend. No, they need the blood!. A very nice young man came and tried several options, including using children's tiny needles. I think he was getting a bit stressed so I suggested that the nurses at the Nightingale have a go. The nurse who had come in to put temporary dressings on me offered to have a go. Success!! She managed it first time. Must be a girl thing!

With enough padding to stop me leaking everywhere, we head off to the Nightingale centre. We were there only for a few minutes when the tiredness thing kicked in. Its awful. One minute you are ok and the next minute its like your body says. ´That's enough. Sleep time´ I was just working out how many chairs I would need to put together to lie down on when they called my name.

We went through to a consultation room and were shortly followed by Miss Cox and Lisa, a breast care nurse. I warned them about the leaking before I undressed, so they were well prepared with aprons and waterproof everything. After about 2 seconds, I was informed that it was an abscess, or had been an abscess with a very nasty infection. Once my wounds had healed up, the infection had made a new channel to escape from, hence the new holes. Fortunately, my right breast is still quite numb, so I didn't feel the blade making the hole bigger ( to make it easier to clean out), or the medical probe having a root around inside. After about 15 minutes of probing and cleaning I am informed that all should now be well. If there is any fluid leakage, apparently it will just be the saline solution used for cleaning. Great! At least I know what it was now, and better still, the dent that has been there for weeks now, was caused by the abscess and not by a botched up surgical procedure. Miss Cox says that the dent should fill out again now...hopefully. She says a close eye will need to be kept on my new wound and that I should come back tomorrow for clean dressings.

The Best Laid plans pt2 15th August 2010

Had my first time of being sick today. I don't think it was a chemo thing though. It was more than likely to do with my infection. I have taken my temperature a couple of times now, and it never goes above 36.6 ish. Made Mikey a sausage muffin and then we packed up and headed off to Dad's. Needed to call in at Ange's to print off the booking confirmation for our jollies!. It was one of those rare occasions when we get to see Gabs ( Gabs doesn't normally do daytimes!) We now know it was because she wanted to see 'The Wig'. Both Ange and Gabs tried on the 'Squirrel'. Ange looks quite good in it and should grow her hair like that, and Gabs......well you can see for yourselves on the pic. I am saying nothing!!

We decide to catch up later for the quiz in The Phoenix.

We took our stuff up to Dad's and Ash tried on the 'squirrel'. Ash really suits it too and wants to borrow it to go to the pub in.

The quiz was ok, if a bit hectic and we won which is always good. ( 37 quid in vouchers to spend in the pub! Not bad). Dad must have had one too many voddys because I came back from the loo to discover that there was now a picture of him wearing the 'squirrel' ( see photos. Sorry Pa)

Very looking forward to our holiday!! Plan to get up earlyish and go and have a MacD's breekie with Ash before we head off.

Had a real problem sleeping again. Dad's sofa bed isn't the most comfy in the world but I will sleep on the way to Scotland.

Got up at 6.50am. Felt a bit dizzy and sick, so lay back down again. Got to 6.45am and I figured it was just easier to get up and make a brew than lie there trying to sleep. Stood up and noticed a damp patch on my pyjama top...oh bloody hell..not the leaking again!! When suddenly, all this fluid started pouring from the side of my breast. I am panicking now for 2 reasons....firstly, because this is not a constant trickle of fluid...this is someone turning a tap on! And secondly, where the hell is it coming from? I don't have any wounds in the side of my breast..healed or otherwise!! Whilst grabbing handfulls of tissues and shoving them all over my chest to stop this stuff pouring on the carpet, I am trying to wake Mikey up. "Mikey! What's happening?" " Mikey. Where is this stuff coming from?" I was so frightened, there was so much stuff and blood. Not lots of blood, but I had never had this stuff before. Mikey jumped up and had a look. It WAS coming from the side, but it couldn't!! What the hell was happening?

" Right" says Mikey, " I'll go and get the car and we'll go straight to the hospital" I got dressed while he went for the car. I upgraded to kitchen roll cos the tissues just weren't doing enough soaking up.

They were great at A&E and saw me pretty much straight away. A nurse came and did all the obs stuff and said a doc would be in shortly. Dr Gareth ( who I think may have been a younger cousin of the paramedics 2 days ago !!!) came and checked me over. He said that yes, there was a roaring infection going on and that it would need to be treated with IV antibiotics ( 4 times the strength of the tablets!) and that I would be admitted into the hospital for at least 24 hours to get the infection under control. Woo Hoo.....more needles!!!!!!!!! Great. I don't have anywhere left on my arm or hand that isn't already black and blue from Fridays jabs!! It doesn't stop them though and within half an hour I have a new cannula and had 2 lots of blood taken. I am getting sooooo fed up of this needle thing. I really am starting to resemble a pin cushion.

The young Dr Gareth has asked one of the surgeons to come down and have a look at me before they take me up to the ward. I have sent Mikey home to dad's to get himself some coffee and a bite to eat.

An hour later, the surgeon arrives. He isn't a breast surgeon but he says he has made an appointment at the breast care clinic in Ormskirk at 2.30pm. He says that I will not be admitted because the IV drugs alone won't help, that I need a scan and possibly some surgery.......Bloody hell., he's only been in the room for 2 minutes. He says " any questions?" To be honest, I had about 300 but I was a bit shell shocked. He left to get me a referral letter just before Mikey came in with Dad, Ange and Ash. Aww it was quite a family gathering. Gabs had sent me some puzzler books ( there were a few left that she hadn't done!!!) bless!!

I was explaining what the surgeon had just said to my coach load of visitors, when the nurse came back in. I told her what he had said and she said" No, you must have misunderstood. I'll go and check whats happening" I was right. She came back in to take off my drip and remove the cannula. I get dressed and try to look on the positive side.....If the specialist says that all the fluid is out and the infection can be controlled by tablets.....and I can get by for a few days...then....maybe we could still go to Scotland tomorrow. ( Mikey had phoned them earlier and said we would be a day late). Hey. This might not turn out too bad after all!!

Heading back into Southport in the car, we are all starving ( except Mikey who has had toast) and we have about 15 minutes to get to Weatherspoons before they stop serving breakfast. We pull up opposite at 5 minutes to and just make it!! Yummy. Just need a quick Primark trip for new spare jammies and then we get to continue Mike and Roz's tour of hospitals in the north west. I am seriously considering writing guide books for the NHS.

The breast nurse said there are 2 holes now, in the side of my breast, just kind of ducts that have opened up because all the fluid and stuff needs to find a way out! I really don't like the sound of that!!

Anyway to cut a long story short the specialist says it would be a very bad idea to go to Scotland and that I need to see my surgeon asap to find out what on earth is going on in there. If I am being honest, I am very worried that if this keeps happening, especially as my chemo progresses and I find it harder to fight infection that someone, somewhere along the line is going to recommend that I have the breast removed and I really really don't want that to happen!

So that was that. Holiday cancelled. I feel really guilty ( Yes, I know its not my fault!) We were all looking forward to it so much, especially Dad. Sometimes, just sometimes. It would be nice to take one step forward and stay there!

The Best Laid Plans....13th August 2010

After much deliberation...should we? shouldn't we? Where shall we go ? etc etc. I finally bit the bullet and booked a few days away in Scotland next week for Me. Mikey and Dad. Didn't cost the earth, but we are sooo looking forward it. Mon to Friday in a caravan in Ayr. Not The Ritz but we all really need a break!

Whilst booking the break and pottering round t'internet, I am trying to ignore the pains in my chest, which I woke up with this morning, and which are getting steadily worse by the hour. By 4.00pm, I needed to lie down. Actually, what I NEEDED to do was phone The Christie hotline and ask their advice about the pains but I didn't want to do that because I knew deep down what they were going to say!! I hung on until Mikey got in from work and then I really really didn't want to phone the hospital because he was so relieved to be home after a crappy day and just wanted to settle down for the evening. However, he insisted I phone the hotline. Their advice was as I suspected...dial 999 and get yourself into a hospital...bugger!!

Mikey phoned an ambulance and they came pretty much straight away. They needed to do some preliminary checks in the ambulance before we set off. Heart trace and blood pressure and stuff. It all seemed ok, so we set off for the hospital. Mike had gone ahead in the car to meet us there. The 2 paramedics ( who incidentally had the combined ages of 26!!!!) were lovely, except I couldn't help but think it was well past their bed time!

Anyhow, they got me there in one piece and we bypassed the triage system. They wheeled me into a room at the back of A&E. They did tests for everything, heart attack, blood clots, blood counts, chest x ray, the works...all clear...however, I noticed that my breast was getting very swollen and red again. The nurse agreed that it looked like another infection....CRAP!!

They said they would be keeping me in over night for observation, only because I am on chemo though. They said they might put me on IV antibiotics, so I would need a cannula and blood tests. MORE BLOODY NEEDLES!! I hate needles! I never used to mind them really but it seems like every day I am having more needles. Its not like its easy, getting needles into my veins. However I perked up at the mention of morphine being injected into my cannula. Morphine is great! I don't find it really takes away the pain....you just don't care about it! I took one jab full and saved one for later. Mikey took the opportunity of me being partially not all there for half an hour, to go and get me some jammies and my toothbrush and bits. He was back in no time at all, but made the fatal mistake of mentioning he had made himself a quick pie! How could he?? Here was I, morphed up in an A&E at 10.pm...starving!!!! There was only one thing for it....MacDonalds! He squared it with the nurse and once again went off hunter gathering for his woman in her hour of need. A quarter pounder, fries and a latte later, with Mikey packed off home to get some well deserved kip, they sent me up to a ward..

It was great. Had a private room with an en suite, offers of food and drink, I've been in worse hotels!

They put a sign on the door saying 'reverse barrier nursing'. The doc explained ( through his mask and gloves and pinny) that it was about not passing on infections to me.

All my test results were ok, even my white cell count was only on the low side, which apparently is quite good. He said oral antibiotics would be fine and I could go home tomorrow lunch time...yess.

After 8 hours of trying to go to sleep, I finally gave up trying and asked for some towels so I could have a shower to relieve the boredom. So, after a couple more blood tests, a quick once over and a bag full of pills, I am discharged! Excellent.

Shave Day. Part 1. Sun 8th August 2010

Well, to be honest, the first few days after Chemo cycle 1 have been ok. The tablets have stopped the sickness getting a grip. I didn't expect the pains in my upper torso to be quite so bad. In fact, I thought I may have been starting with flu or something until Wendy told me she had the same thing and that it was just one of the symptoms.

We all went off to do a shop this morning, while it was quiet in Tesco, less chance of picking something up. ( especially a Tesco breakfast as it turned out. They stop serving after 11.0am.....gutted. A tuna toastie just doesn't do it on a Sunday morning!)

Anyway, after putting off the shave for most of the day, it got to about 4.00pm and I couldn't put it off much longer.. We don't actually own a pair of hairdressing scissors or in fact any sharp pair of scissors (apart from some nail scissors and it would have taken days with those). Em opted for the first pair she found. I think she would have been better with the pink paper scissors I bought her when she was 3! I'm not sure who was more nervous...Me, Mike or Em! Probably Em, I think. I was far too distraught to be nervous. I really thought I would be ok. I thought I had convinced myself that it was empowering, choosing to cut it off and not find clumps on my pillow every morning. I was wrong. It wasn't empowering because it still wasn't my choice. I didn't want to do it...I sooo didn't want to do it. For 5 or so years, I have grown my hair ( granted, not always out of choice but sometimes lack of hairdressing funds) Oh well. I convince myself that it will all be gone in a week anyway, so it might as well be today. I can't take it all off today though...I have to adjust. We agree on a No 7 on the clippers for today. No 3 Wednesday and no blade on Friday.

Its too long to clip straight off, so Emz chops it first....and I cry, then cry some more.this is far worse than I thought it would be. Emz adopts a nervous giggle and then tries to convince me that its ok. Mikey cuddles me and tells me he loves me and it feels better somehow. After an hour or so, its done, well at least today's bit is. Strange thing is, I keep going to take the clip out of my hair because it feels like it is tied back.

At least it will be easier to try on my wig tomorrow!

1st Chemo Day 05/08/2010

Had to go back to Wythenshawe hospital on Monday because I started to leak again! I 'm not sure if it was due to the amount of lager I imbibed on Saturday at Baz's Do which I was subconsciously tried to keep hold of stored in my right boob,or the fact that me and 'R' Ash never stopped dancing all night and there was just too much jigging around! Anyhow, whichever, it's fine. Never being the sharpest knife in the drawer, my body is struggling to work out other ways of dispersing fluids. It will catch on eventually...I hope.

Ok. Chemo day 1. Things got off to a bad start because I had somehow managed to assume the bus was 10 minutes later than it actually was! My knight in shining armour turned his car around ( he was on his way to work) and came and picked us up and took us to the hospital. ( Love you Mikey!!) This meant we were now actually 45 minutes early. Time for a coffee then. We managed to squeeze in a bacon butty as well. Tip for anyone having to go there...use the dining room. Its great and very cheap! Emz was struggling with being awake and out at that time of the morning but the sausage on toast helped her come round a bit.

At 9.00am I went and had blood samples taken, just to make sure there were no changes and my drugs would still be the same. Em came in with me because.....well I think she just likes seeing people stick needles in me. Its a daughter thing!

Bloods done, next thing was an appointment with the doc at 10.00am. The doc was lovely and went through all the side effects with me ( again) and got me to sign a consent form. Auntie Ann arrived at this point offering the extra moral support boost, which was well appreciated because she remembers things and I don't. It was all pretty much as I expected so far until the doc mentioned the district nurse coming for the next 7 days to give me anti sickness drugs. She suggested that I could actually administer the injections myself or get someone else to do them for me. This was a cue for Em to start excitedly wriggling in her seat and raising her hand in a 'pick me' kind of motion. I think this made her day! Watching me have needles is one thing...but getting to stick them in!!! Woo Hoo. I politely declined her offers and said i'd leave it to the nurse.

After the doc's appointment, we had to go and 'book in' on the chemo ward. We had been told they were running late and that I may be a little later than scheduled. The ward took my mobile number and said they would phone me when my drugs had arrived. This was at about 10.50am.

We decided that more coffee was a good idea. The ward phoned me at about 11.25 asking me to go and watch a chemotherapy dvd, which they show to first timers. We got to sit in very comfy chairs whilst the dvd scared me to death about the risks of infection. I can see me turning into Howard Hughes for the next 4 months. I assumed we would be good to go after this...but no.

I had my wig appointment at 1.30 and I was getting a bit concerned that I was going miss it, so the nurse suggested I go early to the wig place and see if I could get sorted. Fortunately, the 1.00 appointment hadn't turned up so I got a slot. I tried on about 8 wigs. We decided against long, as they are too high maintenance and I looked scary in them. The one we picked was quite nice. Couldn't bring it home because I forgot my wig prescription...doh! Pics will be posted asap. Emz and Ann are both trying to claim it when I have finished with it, so it can't be that bad. The whole wig thing didn't take long so we went back to the chemo ward to see if my drugs had arrived.....no. At 2.45, the nurse came and told me that I was next on the list. I didn't hold much store by this, cos she had told me the same thing and hour earlier and 3 people had been called since then. The fact that a lady told me she had been sent home the week before, after waiting 6 hours!!!!!! I was slightly more fortunate and went for my treatment at about 3.00. I had been told it would take about 20 minutes but they lied! The chemo nurse said it would be about 40 minutes minimum. But first we had the vein thing! After a few minutes of poking around, the nurse decided to put a heat pack on my hand to help find a workable vein.

Suitable vein located, it was all systems go. Saline bag hooked up, we were ready for the serious stuff. The first needle was a steroid. The 2nd was an anti sickness drug which was really strange cos it made your bum prickle ( I can't think of another word to describe the sensation) The next 2 big needles were the red ones that turn your wee red ( well its actually orange). The 3rd one was evil!! The nurse said it may make me feel light headed. What she didn't tell me was the horrible sensation like when you dive into a pool and water goes up your nose and you get that awful pain in your sinuses. I really did not like that. I'm not sure why it should do that but the nurse said other people have experienced that too....She could have warned me!! Then I went light headed! Last 2 needles were fine though. And that was that. Done and dusted. Picked up my injections and tablets and headed off home.

Its so weird though. I have these drugs coursing through my veins. Drugs so powerful that they will destroy many cells in my body, make my hair fall out, possibly damage my heart muscle etc etc...yet I feel fine! I suspect that over the next few days, that may change. Hey its in there now, so bring it on.

Will keep my blog updated over the next few days and see how poorly I actually get. Need to be right for Saturday though. Big City vs Valencia game. My induction into a lifetime of the misery and sadness that is being a City supporter. Blimey Michael. How much do I love you???

Thankyou to my darling girlie for once again, holding my hand and giving me a smile just at the right moment. Huge thanks to my Auntie Ann too.

Don't forget girlies...and guys........KEEP CHECKING!!!